Life sure didn’t turn out how we expected it to, did it?
I mean, I guess in some ways it did. We have crossed so many things off our list of goals in our nearly 10 years together.
We got married, had kids, you got a good job, we bought a house, and we even got a vehicle that is newer than a 2007. That was a big one for us.
But there is so much we didn’t expect.
We didn’t expect marriage to be so hard. We didn’t expect the financial struggles of adulthood and being parents. We didn’t expect my mental health to take such a dive and for my anxiety to spin so far out of control. We didn’t expect that our children would have autism.
These things really took us by surprise.
I’m sorry our life isn’t what we thought it would be. That it isn’t exactly what we thought we were signing up for.
Having special needs children definitely puts a strain on our marriage. We spend so much time focusing on the kids and their needs.
So much time redirecting behaviors, trying to calm meltdowns, and figuring out the best way to deal with three children with three different sets of struggles and strengths.
Between managing everything for the kids, trying to keep my own mental health under control and how exhausted we both always are from the kids and from your job, we have sort of gotten lost as a couple.
I miss you. I miss us.
I miss the days when we would spend hours lying in bed and talking and laughing through the night. I miss going on dates and spending quality time together.
Trying to have time for just us is so difficult. With no family close by and no other babysitter options, planning date nights is just so hard. But it’s something we need so desperately.
We certainly try to keep the spark alive. And I have to say, I’m actually pretty proud of us. It hasn’t been easy. In fact, it’s been really hard. But despite our lack of time together and our crazy life, our love has only grown stronger. So many people going through our struggles let it destroy themselves and their marriage.
I’m proud of us for leaning on each other instead of turning on one another.
I just wish we had the time for each other that we both crave so badly.
And husband, I also want to say thank you.
You have been such a blessing in this life. Through all of our trials and every single difficult thing we have encountered, you have been there. And I mean really been there.
You have dried my tears. You have cared for me each time I have been sick or injured. You have tried to understand my depression and anxiety, and you always do the best you can to help me through the times when I am struggling.
You are an amazing father. You have come so far with learning about autism and what the kids need and adjusting your parenting to fit it. Watching you play and laugh with them just brings a smile to my face and warms my heart.
The way you can walk in when I’m drowning and can’t get the kids under control and be an instant calm to the chaos is one of the many reasons why I love you so much and why you are such a wonderful father and husband.
You are the husband and father I never got to experience as a child.
I didn’t grow up seeing a happy marriage. I didn’t grow up with a father who was there for me and loved me. Knowing I have a husband now who loves me so deeply and that our children have such a good daddy—it’s everything to me.
I am so thankful for you and everything you do for our family. I couldn’t imagine doing this life without you.
So dear husband, our life may be busy and crazy and hard. But I will never stop loving you. I will never stop wanting you.
Even when it seems like I’m distant with my depression and anxiety. Even when I’m stressed and overwhelmed and exhausted from the kids and from life in general. Please be patient with me and know my love for you never changes.
Your tired, anxious, but always loving wife.