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My third baby was due on October 19, 2019. Instead, she was born into heaven on March 24, 2019. Not only do I grieve her more in October than in other months because of her due date, but I also grieve for so many other parents who have also lost their children. 

RELATED: A Letter To My Mama From Your Baby In Heaven

Pregnancy loss is such a strange journey to walk through. I’m years into it, and there are still days when the grief hits and the tears come and I can’t breathe. On other days, I am so happy and full of gratitude. I was blessed with a rainbow baby and he has healed parts of my heart I didn’t know could be healed. But with him came guilt during that first year. Guilt for being happy. Guilt for having my rainbow in my arms while so many others don’t have the same. Guilt for celebrating him and for still feeling so much sadness for the baby I lost. 

And I’ve learned grief isn’t linear and that everyone grieves differently.

I have learned from experience grief and joy can coexist, and that rainbow babies don’t replace the babies you loved so dearly and lost. I have learned grief often comes with guilt that none of us deserve.

RELATED: Dear Carrie Underwood and All Other Loss Moms, It’s Okay To Be Angry About Miscarriage

I  grieve my child in heaven while celebrating my children on earth without any guilt or shame—because I understand now that all of our babies deserve to be celebrated and loved. It just looks different for our babies in heaven. 

So if you are a loss mom, one of the 1-in-4, know the guilt you are feeling is normal—but you can let it go. No matter how you grieve, no matter how you walk through loss, you are a good mom and you deserve to grieve guilt-free. Everything you feel is okay to feel. Your sweet baby in heaven is loved and cherished forever and you don’t have to feel any shame for how you love and remember them, no matter what. 

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Amanda Kilgore

Amanda is a homeschool mama of three and a wife to her best friend of 16 years. She enjoys cooking, gardening, exploring the outdoors, and keeping her family healthy through natural living. Lover of Jesus, coffee, and a good TV show with a comfy blanket after the babies are in bed. She is passionate about raising awareness about child abuse and mental health struggles and hopes that sharing her story openly will help others.

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