Do you ever feel like a fraud?
Maybe it’s just me. Here I am . . . trying to build a life and career writing about motherhood.
Yet, I don’t feel very good at it at all.
When my oldest was born 13 years ago, I decided on my own that we weren’t going to spank or yell.
Then, life changed.
One child turned into six over the course of a decade. And over the years, I’ve failed to keep the commitment I made all those years ago.
I’ve lost my temper, I’ve swayed in knowing the best way to discipline, and I’ve had to apologize over and over.
At this point, cuddles, talks, and gentle parenting are returning and have always been somewhat present in our home. Still, there’s a lot of judgment out there for some of the choices I’ve made on my hardest days.
I’m forgetting, though, the most important reason I write: the Gospel.
It’s the idea that we are all on a journey, we all fall, and that this journey of motherhood isn’t about me but about what God is going to do through every experience my children go through.
Maybe they’ll be on a journey of forgiveness toward me one day, and I will gladly own and shoulder what they need me to.
Or maybe my efforts at humility and asking for forgiveness will teach them how to love others deeper.
I’m learning so much about triggers and cycle-breaking right now.
I’m learning about redemption.
I haven’t been the parent I set out to be over a decade ago.
Heck, I’ll just say it. Some days, triggers, stress, and life have caused me to be downright ugly and scary to those I love the most.
However, here’s what I know.
My Savior, my God, died for all of this . . . and He will heal the wounds of my heart and theirs.
Yes, I am a fraud. But I am saved, I am healing, I am loved. And we will keep going forward, gaining peace every day.