“Mom, where are you?”

I find myself saying this over and over. It’s not like I don’t know where she is. She is in Heaven. I just wish my mind would explain this to my heart. It seems like my heart is always searching for her.

My mom sends me signs. On my first day of work after my mother’s funeral, I silently willed myself to get out my front door. When I stepped out, I was met by a beautiful Monarch butterfly. I know that was her telling me, Come on. You can do this.

And I did. 

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On my first Christmas without her, I found a white feather in the middle of my bathroom floor.

I know that was her telling me, I know today will be hard. You can get through this.

And I got through it. 

My favorite sign was on the day I was to visit her gravestone. I was struggling that morning as I was driving. I was turning off of the interstate and all of a sudden the volume of my radio went to zero. When I turned it back up, “Girl,” a country song by Marren Morris started. I had never heard the song, but the lyrics were perfect and just what I needed. I know my mom was trying to get my attention so I could listen to it clearly. 

It’s those days I don’t see a sign that get me.

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Where are you, mom? I look around for anything, grasping for something that resembles a heart or a tangible symbol that lets me know she is with me. I am usually met with disappointment when I come up empty.

I got to thinking. Maybe if I received a sign from her constantly it wouldn’t be as special.

There are times I am hanging in there and look around and don’t see anything. Is it because I am mostly content at that moment? That she is also content that I am doing OK?

A mom just knows when her child truly needs her. And when I do, I get an earthly dose of encouragement and comfort from her. It’s on the days when I see my friends with their moms, and I hide my stinging tears behind my sunglasses. It’s on the holidays that don’t feel festive anymore because my mom was home to me. It’s when I want to press MOM on my contacts to call her but know I would feel more alone after I did.  

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Those are the days when the signs appear. She continues to mother me from the most divine place ever experienced. This thought is cathartic to me. I am proof that a bond between a mother and daughter is infinite. Because ours stretches all the way to Heaven and back. 

Kristie Reitz

I am a mom of 3 kids and a teacher of the visually impaired in Cranberry Twp, PA.