Humor Relationships

Facebook Joins Dating Scene and No One is Surprised

Have no fear, single friends! Facebook is here to find you a lasting, meaningful relationship, because that's what Facebook does.
Written by Karen Johnson

Oh, Facebook. I love you so, yet you make me day drink sometimes. I mean, between your constant “algorithm changes” and playing Big Brother by watching our every online move, you’d think we’d be ready to say adios and part ways. But you know we won’t. You know how entangled we are, in this complicated and exciting dance of likes and follows and shares. And now, you’re entering the dating scene. Of course you are. You, Facebook, are like the Wal-Mart of the internet world. There’s nothing you won’t do. There’s no mountain you won’t climb, no desert you won’t cross. Shopping? Facebook. Fundraising? Facebook. And now, apparently—find a boyfriend? FACEBOOK.

Yes, it’s true. Zucky himself has confirmed (between Senate hearings—he’s a multi-tasker, that one!) that Facebook will now compete with the likes of Match.com and Tinder. Swiping right is so 2017, people! Let your old pal Facebook find you a man!

“There are 200 million people on Facebook who list themselves as single,” said Mark Zuckerberg at the annual F8 developer conference. “So clearly there’s something to do here.” Clearly. Clearly you’re bored, Mark. Or you’re worried that the influence you already have on 200 million people isn’t quite enough, or you’re brainstorming on new projects you can tinker with if you end up on house arrest once the Senate Judiciary Committee decides your fate . . . 

Well, whatever the reason, users will now be able to find “meaningful relationships” (as this has always been Facebook’s overall goal—to unite us, with strong, personal connections . . . via the internet). And the original M.Z. himself has clarified this point, stating that the service is “not for hook-ups.” OK, Zuck. Sure.

In all seriousness, if you want to test it out, here’s how to do it, as explained on CNBC:

  • From your profile, click on the heart icon to enter what Facebook is calling your “dating home”. From there, set up a dating profile, which your Facebook friends won’t be able to see.
  • Browse events nearby and groups that interest you. Unlock the physical world event you’d like to attend.
  • Your profile is then shared with other people going to that event, and you will be able to see who’s attending and browse their profiles.
  • You can start a private conversation if you find someone of interest.

And there you have it! Go forth and soulmate search, my friends! For Facebook is not just for mom-shaming, vague-booking for attention, and check-ins at Red Robin anymore! The next generation of parents might someday have a giant blue square cake with an F on top to pay homage to the romantic way they met. And they’ll be able to say to their kids, “Your mom and I met through Facebook’s dating app at a beer festival when we were 19, and the rest is history.”

Those of us who haven’t been single since we were 12 will probably still just use Facebook to contact Emma’s mom about play dates and brag about our kids’ spelling bee awards. But please come back and tell us about the dating scene—is it as enticing as it sounds?

About the author

Karen Johnson

Karen Johnson is a free-lance writer who blogs at The 21st Century SAHM http://www.the21stcenturysahm.com/ —a cathartic mix of sarcasm, angry Mama Bear rants, and confessions about how she’s probably screwing up her kids. She is also assistant editor at Sammiches and Psych Meds and has had work featured on Scary Mommy, The Good Men Project, What the Flicka, and Bon Bon Break, among others. Karen is also a contributing writer in Lose the Cape: Never Will I Ever (and then I had kids!) and in What Does It Mean to Be White in America? and she writes monthly for KC Parent magazine. Follow Karen on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/21stcenturysahm/, Twitter https://twitter.com/21stcenturysahm , and Instagram https://www.instagram.com/the21stcenturysahm/