I’ve been wandering around feeling lost for over a year. Wondering where I’m going, what I’m supposed to be doing. Nothing seems to make sense. I felt purposeless. I felt stuck. I questioned everything: my faith, my marriage, my career—if it could be questioned, I doubted it.
And I was completely clueless how to fix the funk. For over a year, I’ve been in the wilderness. I’ve wanted to find my way, but every path seemed like another dead end.
The wilderness. I’ve been residing there. Not feeling fed. Not feeling heard. Not feeling seen. Struggling to find a purpose. Struggling to survive the mental and spiritual war.
And I couldn’t figure out why. I still believed in God. I still prayed. I still read my Bible. I still went to church. I still checked all the boxes. But still, I remained stuck in the wilderness. And I didn’t get it.
But the other night as I was struggling to fall asleep, like a lightning bolt to the head, it hit me: I was disobedient.
So clearly for the first time in over a year, I saw light. I saw it because I finally admitted what I hadn’t allowed myself to consider: I didn’t follow God’s path. He had opened it up perfectly for me. I felt moved. I felt motivated. I felt called. And I didn’t follow through.
I let my fears stop me. Not fears of not being able to do what He was calling me to; I knew I could do it. Not fears of how financially it was going to work though that part seemed a little scary. Those weren’t what stopped me.
No, Satan got me where I’m weakest. He told me my family wouldn’t be okay. He told me they would suffer if I pursued the path I was being led down. And I believed him.
I believed him. That was all it took. I took my eyes off the plan God had and let my earthly fears overtake my confidence. I stumbled and I fell. HARD.
Suddenly my lostness made sense. God wasn’t punishing me. God didn’t forget me. I lost sight of Him. And I never repented for it. I still don’t know exactly where my path is going since I stepped off of the original path He had planned. I’m not sure if I will have the opportunity to pursue the path I had wanted to before. But I am sure that for the first time in a long time, I feel lighter and see things a little clearer.
I feel confident God has a plan for me. I feel confident that when He opens the next door or sets me on the next path, I’m going to listen. Not only am I going to listen, I’m going to arm myself continuously with prayer so as not to let my own fears get in the way.
He never stopped loving me. He never stopped pursuing me. He was patient in His love for me to acknowledge where I fell short. In the middle of the night, He was there to tell me it was going to be alright.
I don’t know His plans, but I know Him. I know that He can use a sinner like me for greater things. If He can use me, friend, He can use you too. No matter what your past is. No matter what lie Satan has told you. You are never too far gone. Never.