I had this really awesome draft of what I wanted to write about a few weeks ago. Like, it was stellar. It was all, “Go me! I’m awesome! This is how I was made! Yeah!” Then I got a few swift kicks to the rear and a huge reality check. It turns out I was struggling to believe what I had written a few weeks ago. I didn’t believe that who I was was enough; that how I was made wasn’t right.
One of the things that I love about how God made me is that I’m an emotional person. And one of the things that I hate about how God made me is that I’m an emotional person. When I feel good feelings, those feelings are big and explosive; my joy tends to be noticeable and uncontainable. But when I feel negative feelings, I feel them ache in the depths of my soul; they tend to consume me. That’s why I started to not believe what I had written a few weeks back. But this… this is why I’m holding to the truth of the words I originally wrote.
“For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving.” 1 Timothy 4:4.
I think as women, it’s a hard thing in this day and age to naturally be confident in who we are; to look at ourselves and see the beauty before the fault. It’s pressed in us to be perfectly likable, so much that we tend to question our every move. So many times I have walked away from a conversation or get together with a friend and hung my head in embarrassment and insecurity. Did she think I was stupid? I shouldn’t have said what I was really thinking, I bet I sounded dumb. Did she think I was funny? Was I too overbearing? And the question that gets me the most so often…. Did she like who I really was?
Rejection of who you are is just a really scary thing to face, am I right? Please tell me I’m not alone.
Back when I was younger, I used to silently hide the parts of me I was embarrassed about. I would nod along in agreement with my girlfriends when they would talk about the latest style or trend and play along that I loved it as much as they did, when I really didn’t care for it at all. And for what? For them to believe that I was just like them? To have no backbone and not be true to my own heart? Was I even proud of who I was back then? Did I believe that what I thought wasn’t good enough? I’m sorry, but looking back on that now, it’s just really lame.
Two years ago, my family and I moved to a new town and a new life. I had a big choice in front of me. I could choose to go along with the status quo of whoever I was meeting or I could be myself; the black and white, no short cuts, the meat and potatoes, cut and dry me. I could be the gal who loved animal print but also lived for old fashioned aprons. I could be the silly girl who snorted when she laughed too hard or I could hold back my joy. I could pretend that I knew everything about farm life or I could be honest and say that I had no idea what I had gotten myself into and was absolutely terrified. I could be strong when I was struggling or I could be vulnerable and let my heart out, tears, double-chin-crying and all (sometimes even a triple chin). And I could choose – I could choose to be glittery. And if you know anything about glitter, you know that it’s hard to contain. But that’s exactly how God made me – glittery. And when He did, He looked at me and called me “good.” And for that I am thankful.
These days, you will find me being trying to be more of who God created me to be. The past few months I have struggled with this, and you had better believe that Satan has had something to do with it. He loves to make me feel like the choice to be myself isn’t enough. But of all the choices I have in being true to myself – being who I am in Christ is Who I must be true to, first. And if I’m being true to who I am in Him, if I’m really being who He created me to be with thankfulness – if I’m living my life in His Truth and seeking His will with confidence – then where my self-doubt creeps in, His love will seep through the cracks. His purpose for my life will fill my cup and be my portion. And when I walk away from a conversation that I feel insecure about, I will remember that God delights in the person He made. The glittery one.