It never gets easier or better, the heartache of losing you. It just IS. And with time it just is, a little more each day.

If not for God and family, I would not have survived. The initial shock of discovering you weren’t moving when I tried to wake you. Waiting what seemed like hours and hours on the herd of ambulances to arrive. Many times, when I hear an ambulance going by with sirens on, I still get goosebumps.

With Mother’s Day quickly approaching, I feel the familiar sting, deep inside my heart.

I feel this sting the most on your birthday, Mother’s Day, and the horrible day I lost you. It tends to hit me out of the blue at random times, too. It’s not controllable.

I have three other children as well, and I try my best to never let my sadness show through to them. I love each of my children so much, as I loved you. I strive to be a great mother for my kids to look up to. I also try to be a supportive wife, but that part is still a struggle as I have a tough time opening up about things.

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Losing a child, whether in the womb or outside of the womb, is a terrible tragedy. Words cannot explain itafter six years, I still don’t understand it myself. If you have ever experienced this tragedy, I pray for you as I have walked in those heavy shoes. Life will never be the same again, nor should it be.

Why did my precious baby have to be taken? He was healthy, sweet, and perfect. He touched so many lives in his small amount of time (nearly four months) on this earth. He even told my husband, then me, and my father “I love you.” On three different occasions, if not for each of us hearing it, we never would have believed it. I know he was sent here for a reason, and I believe that he knew it, too. As hard as it is, that does bring some peace. He was special.

What I have learned, however, is not to go asking why.

That is a never-ending game you won’t ever win. If you dwell on the hurt and tragic things, you will get bogged down and end up in a bad place. My son would not want that for me, I want to live for him and make him proud. Every time I see a rainbow, or a really bright star, I know my son is happily looking down on me from Heaven.

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Each Mother’s Day that rolls around, I will think of you, as I often do. I cherish knowing my thoughts of you bring me joy and not always the pain. I still have some of your clothes, I ziplocked them up right away and they still smell exactly like you. I remember your sweet laugh and smile, and I imagine what you’d be like running around today.

This Mother’s Day, I choose to live with hope as I try to do every day.

Life is amazing, and you were a blessing, an amazing gift just for me and our family. I am forever thankful for the lessons you taught me, and the joy you brought me.

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Nothing will ever replace youI’ll always hold you dear to my heart. Just because we can’t be together right now, doesn’t mean we will always be apart. Until we meet again my lovebug.

Anna Bruder

Anna Bruder is a happily married mother to three children. She runs a blog called Fitpire, and is a partner in a family business.