There’s nothing I can say or do that will make your loss hurt any less. You lost your partner, your pillar of support, the love of your life, the lifeline of your family, the father to your kids.
I wonder what went through your mind when you were told of the news. I wonder if you were confused, thinking of course it’s a mistake. If you thought he’d be standing there just to tell you that it was some kind of a joke he pulled off.
I wonder if you blamed him or God or yourself.
If you blamed him for leaving your family so suddenly. If you blamed God for having done this to you without any reason you could fathom. If you blamed him for having your kids face this tragedy so early in life.
I wonder how you made the kids sleep that night. Did you follow the normal night routine as you continued to live in denial? Did you talk to them and make them understand what had happened? Did you put up a brave front, but silently weep as you lay wide awake next to them while they slept peacefully, dreaming about their daddy returning home?
I wonder how your night was. Did you wake up and cry several times or did you not even have the strength to do so anymore after the exhaustion of the day? Did you realize that you’ve never felt such pain before in your life? Did you lie there and think about how you’d live each day for the rest of your life?
I wonder how you woke the kids up the next day. Did you put up a fake smile to see them smile, or talked to them through your tears and a face that resembled a very tired you? Did you make breakfast or didn’t know how to gather the strength to do that? Did you send them off to school so they didn’t have to face this reality for a while? Did you wave after them and fall down on your knees and cry your heart out?
I wonder how the days that followed looked like for you.
Were you relieved to have visitors who cared and dropped food and other necessities, or did you want to be left alone to soak in what really happened? Were the days blurry as you were not really living, or were you meticulously planning for your life ahead?
I wonder what I can do to help, what could I possibly say. I wonder If you know that you have taught me to be grateful for each living day, for what we have today. I wonder if you know that you are in my prayers every day and I truly wish you have the strength to stand up and lead your kids into the lives you both had dreamed of together.