The day your mom dies, when you become motherless, you will start wondering and questioning things you never imagined you would. Things you couldn’t even think about before she died and probably never would have until after you lost her.

You’ll wonder where she is a million times a day from the very second she leaves and all the minutes after she’s gone.

You’ll wonder if she’s somewhere nearby or really far away because sometimes you can feel it both ways.

One minute, you have to catch your breath because you feel her so near it’s as if you could touch her. You wake up from a dream and feel as if you just spent time with her.

Then the next, it’s as if you can’t feel her at all. It’s as if the day she left she went so far away that you can’t even make your memories remember the feel of her hug or the warmth in her silence.

You’ll wonder if she hears you when the tears are falling so hard and you can’t catch your breath to call her name, but you’ll wonder if she hears you through the tears.

You’ll wonder if she knows how much you miss her and how the days feel like years sometimes without her here.

You’ll wonder if she would be here if she could.

You’ll wonder if she still feels like you are her daughter since it’s been so long since you’ve spoken or hugged, you might even wonder if she even remembers you at all.

You’ll wonder if she sees you looking up to the sky, searching for her in the heavens.

You’ll wonder if she’s missing you, waiting for you, trying her best to send you signs that she’s OK now and hasn’t forgotten about you.

You’ll wonder so many things about her the day you lose her.

You’ll wonder if you asked the questions that mattered the most or if you forgot to ask the right ones at all.

You’ll wonder if she knew just how much you loved her and how much you were going to miss her.

Then one day you’ll realize that it’s OK to wonder, but you’ll find in time that she doesn’t wonder at all because even before she left you, she knew a part of her would always stay alive in you.

Because a mother’s love never dies, even when she does. And even though you’ll always wonder where she is, one day you’ll learn that she is right wherever you are because you are forever her daughter and that’s something she knew all along.

Originally published on the author’s blog

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Nikki Pennington

Nikki is a stay at home mom to three, high spirited boys. Three years ago she became a motherless daughter after losing her own mom to terminal brain cancer. When she is not playing the role of referee for the boys, she spends her days trying to encourage and inspire others that are on the grief journey. Read more from Nikki on her blog: