I prepare, I pray and still that ache for my mom and dad is still painfully there. I made it until December 21st and then in mid-sentence, I went from cookies and candy planning to a sobbing cry. Something was different this year. It finally surfaced from my soul. 

Through my sobs, it came flying out of my mouth, kind of like a scene from a The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. 

“I mean, I do not really want my parents, I want normal. Normal parents that say nice loving things. Like, well, like my grandma and grandpa. So, OK, I don’t miss my parents but I really miss my grandparents.”

Wow! That is it! The epiphany, it has always been there, but truly, I miss my sweet grandparents. The more I spin memories of them, the warmer my heart feels and the less I was crying and the more I smiled from my toes to my eyes and my soul felt bigger than it had in a long time! How blessed I was to have these two people who loved me for me!

I miss my grandma making sure the bathroom was warm before bath time. I miss her warming my feet up in bed. I miss waking up to the smell of breakfast and I miss kneeling down in prayer with her before bed, mid-morning and in the afternoon. I miss my grandpa playing his guitar and singing to me. I miss the silly name he had for me and I wish I could drink coffee with him one more time! While that happened as an adult, it was special because I learned grown-up wisdom over a hot steamy cup of coffee. Did they have flaws, oh yes! I am sure they did. Everyone does, or we would not be human and would not need Jesus. They say God puts people in your life for a reason, and I know I had the exact grandparents and they knew exactly what I needed.

Now, let’s be clear on the mom and dad thing. Were they complete heartless monsters? No, this is where the difficulty is. When the toxic side was so fierce that there was not enough love to overpower it, this was when a decision to distance myself and my family had to happen.

Was it easy? No, it still is not or I would not cry several times during the year.

When this happens, and I know it will over and over again, I pray. I use the lessons taught to me by my grandparents and others in my family. 

When you see things posted about being kind to others during the holidays, you may never know what journey everyone has had or they are in the midst of. When you meet that girl who does not have contact with her family, hold your judgement and realize that there are reasons beyond your comprehension. Rather than judge, bow and pray for peaceful hearts and the knowledge that Jesus is truly the reason for the season, while mostly a holly jolly time, it is also one that can be met with sorrow.

“He puzzled and puzzled till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. Maybe Christmas, he thought… doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps… means a little bit more!”

Christmas blessings to you and your families, love a little longer and linger in making memories not all the commercialized hype. It is the little things like laughter and play that truly shine through everything else going on during the season.