To my friends who I used to spontaneously have gatherings with, book a trip last minute with, and have endless energy to entertain: my life is in the most chaotic state it’s ever been because . . . well . . . three kids. Not that I have to justify my actions, decisions, or priorities to anyone.

But when I say “I need to check my calendar,” it’s because I don’t want to let you down. 

I don’t use my phone calendar. I have a physical calendar I have to find. I have to check my husband’s work schedule (and in the past mine). I have to type the date in my messages to make sure I didn’t forget to write something down.

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I have to make sure I can book a plane ticket that won’t cost more than my monthly mortgage payment (and if we have to buy five, sorry, not coming home for the holidays). I have to double-check that my kids don’t have an event. I have to schedule a babysitter. And most importantly, I need everyone involved to say extra prayers to the good Lord that no one spikes a fever or vomits. 

When I say I have to check my calendar it’s not because I don’t want to go.

It’s because I don’t want to commit, or double commit, and then have to bail or chose between two now-committed obligations. I would rather give you a late response than commit and cancel. 

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So “I’m checking my calendar” means just that—there is no ranking of friendships or priorities, it doesn’t insinuate that you mean any less to me, and it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t want to be there. It’s to ensure my family is taken care of, a babysitter is booked, and that I’m not letting anyone down.