As I sat there rocking my child to sleep, I caught my mind wandering to the past. Not my recent past but my before . . .
Before my son was born.
Before my stressful pregnancy.
Before my positive pregnancy test.
Before . . . when I was praying every day for a miracle—six years back.
Infertility is a messy journey that few (and many at the same time) are chosen to take. It’s lonely and heartbreaking and dark and will make you hate yourself at times. You feel helplessness and anger and despair.
Your relationships and faith are constantly challenged, and you never feel like you will ever find your way out of the dark, cold forest that’s keeping you lost in this current state of here but not here. Yearning for something you constantly work for but feel you will never achieve. Some days you feel like you’re barely holding on to yourself by a thread.
It’s the worst time of your life, but here’s the kicker . . . you need to appreciate it.
I know, you’re thinking I’m crazy and I’ve forgotten how horrible this stage of life is. You’re thinking you want me to appreciate the worst time of my life? You’re thinking that I have beaten infertility and would never want to look back. That I must not have had it that bad if I look back at the worst time of my life and appreciate what I went through.
But I do.
I would live that time over and over again if it lead me to this single moment right here.
Over and over and over.
A million moments of sorrow exchanged with a single moment of bliss.
All the feelings you feel today will soon be replaced. The loneliness replaced with overflowing fullness. The despair replaced with anticipation. The constant self-doubt replaced with pride.
So yes. You need to appreciate it because soon it will be over, and you will be a changed person because of it—changed for the better.
I know it’s hard to feel like you will never find your way out of your current forest, but you will. You’re seen and supported and loved, and you’re protected by the best Heavenly Father anyone could ever ask for.
So keep holding on to your thread.
Even if it’s the last one. Even if you feel your fingers slipping. Don’t let go.
Your before is almost over.
Your miracle is coming, and your single moment of bliss will be everything you ever dreamed it would be.