As I sat there rocking my child to sleep, I caught my mind wandering to the past. Not my recent past but my before . . .

Before my son was born.

Before my stressful pregnancy.

Before my positive pregnancy test.

Before . . . when I was praying every day for a miracle—six years back.

Infertility is a messy journey that few (and many at the same time) are chosen to take. It’s lonely and heartbreaking and dark and will make you hate yourself at times. You feel helplessness and anger and despair.

RELATED: This is Infertility

Your relationships and faith are constantly challenged, and you never feel like you will ever find your way out of the dark, cold forest that’s keeping you lost in this current state of here but not here. Yearning for something you constantly work for but feel you will never achieve. Some days you feel like you’re barely holding on to yourself by a thread.

It’s the worst time of your life, but here’s the kicker . . . you need to appreciate it.

I know, you’re thinking I’m crazy and I’ve forgotten how horrible this stage of life is. You’re thinking you want me to appreciate the worst time of my life? You’re thinking that I have beaten infertility and would never want to look back. That I must not have had it that bad if I look back at the worst time of my life and appreciate what I went through.

But I do.

I would live that time over and over again if it lead me to this single moment right here.

Over and over and over.

A million moments of sorrow exchanged with a single moment of bliss.

All the feelings you feel today will soon be replaced. The loneliness replaced with overflowing fullness. The despair replaced with anticipation. The constant self-doubt replaced with pride.

So yes. You need to appreciate it because soon it will be over, and you will be a changed person because of itchanged for the better.

RELATED: Infertility Changed Me

I know it’s hard to feel like you will never find your way out of your current forest, but you will. You’re seen and supported and loved, and you’re protected by the best Heavenly Father anyone could ever ask for.

So keep holding on to your thread.

Even if it’s the last one. Even if you feel your fingers slipping. Don’t let go.

Your before is almost over.

Your miracle is coming, and your single moment of bliss will be everything you ever dreamed it would be. 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Helen Reiners

I'm a 27-year-old wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend trying to live my life to the fullest and love unapologetically.

Wrestling With Infertility and Faith

In: Baby, Faith, Loss, Motherhood
Woman sitting on bed with pregnancy test and looking sad

I think at some level I always knew. In our first year of marriage, I told my husband that I wanted to start trying to conceive before we were “ready” (whatever that means) because I had fears that it would be hard to get pregnant. My concern was deeper than a passing thought. It invaded my mind and entangled my heart. When the time came to try, the negative tests came with it. Negative Luteinizing Hormone. Negative estrogen increase. Negative basal temperature rise. Negative egg release. Negative blood tests. Negative pregnancy tests. Negative. Negative. What’s wrong with me? I’m only...

Keep Reading

I Wasn’t Sure I’d Ever Be a Mom, But God Was

In: Baby, Motherhood
Christmas ornament, color photo

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. I would have loved to have been married with a few kids in my 20s, but that is not how life worked out for me. I spent most of my 20s wondering if I’d ever get married and have the family I dreamt of. When I finally got married at 31, I went through 28 more months of wondering if I’d ever get to be a mom.   During those times, I always wished God could give me some sort of sign I was going to be a...

Keep Reading

To the Mama in Waiting

In: Baby, Motherhood
Woman looking at pregnancy test

To the mama in waiting, I was there. Anxiously waiting for those two pink lines.  I was there. Thinking I would never know the joy of pregnancy.  I was there. Crying my eyes out over the losses that stung so badly.  I was there. Begging for God to give me healthy babies.  I was there. Guiltily jealous of the pregnancy announcements.  RELATED: Dear Friend Waiting For a Baby I was there. Avoiding the baby aisle at every store. Those little clothes were too painful to look at.  I was there. Doubting God’s faithfulness.  And then, one day, I gained that...

Keep Reading