Being a mom is something I’ve dreamed about for years. I waited until I met “my person,” we got married and immediately started trying. To much surprise, we fell pregnant within the first two months of trying to conceive.
I still remember the morning I took the digital test and saw the word “pregnant.” I ran to the living room shouting, “We’re having a baby!” My husband and I held each other as we shed tears of joy.
We were extremely excited and immediately told our friends and family. I just had this feeling in my heart that everything was okay, and I felt safe telling everyone.
Waiting for that first appointment felt like an eternity, but once we went in at eight weeks, we were ecstatic to see that little heartbeat on the screen. Everything seemed normal and the baby was healthy.
As the weeks went by, we picked out a girl and boy name, and we bought some things for Boop. Boop was our nickname for our sweet baby. We knew it was early, but with it being our first we were over the moon.
We bought a rocking chair, which I was supposed to rock Boop in one day. We bought a book, which I was supposed to read to Boop one day. We bought a onesie, which Boop was one day supposed to wear. This was all until our 12-week appointment.
We were so excited going into this appointment because we would be doing the NIPT test which would tell us the gender within a week or two, then we’d start decorating the nursery. We got ready for the ultrasound, and moments later our world felt like it had fallen apart.
We heard those dreaded words that no expecting parent wants to hear. “I’m so sorry, but we can’t find the heartbeat.” Boop had stopped growing about a week after our 8-week appointment. I had what is called a missed miscarriage. There was no bleeding, no cramping, I was still having all my pregnancy symptoms. To say we were heartbroken and shocked was an understatement.
As a person who struggles with anxiety and depression, I was scared of going down that path again. What made all of this harder was that my husband and I had our honeymoon booked for the next week. We had to quickly decide what our next step would be. My body hadn’t registered what was happening, and my doctor didn’t want that to happen on our trip, so she recommended I have a D&C done immediately.
This was all so new to me. I had never heard of a missed miscarriage, I had never heard of a D&C. After taking my doctor’s advice, I was in the next evening for my procedure. My doctor was so sweet and kind throughout all of this, and one thing I’ll always remember is her holding my hand as I drifted off to sleep.
Following a D&C, you have many restrictions, one being you can’t swim or submerge in a pool of water. That changed the way our vacation looked quite a bit. We had planned to swim with dolphins, which was on my bucket list, and take full advantage of our Airbnb pool and hot tub. Unfortunately, I could no longer do any of that.
Many of the activities we had scheduled were nonrefundable, so we decided to go ahead and get away for the week. We made the most of it, but I was having a lot of complications while we were away and I knew something wasn’t right.
When we got back we had our checkup appointment, and I told them what I had been experiencing. They seemed concerned and had me do another ultrasound to see what was going on.
They then told me the news: I’d have to have another procedure as they have missed parts of the miscarriage, which is very rare. My heart sank. I felt like I had already been through enough, especially at my age. I went in that afternoon and had my second D&C within two weeks. I felt exhausted, mentally and physically.
As I sit here writing this, still recovering, my heart breaks for the women who have had to endure such pain, including myself.
At first, I felt so alone. I had my husband who never left my side, but he was also grieving. Then we were completely surrounded by friends and family who made us feel whole again.
I feel it is common for women to keep quiet regarding a miscarriage as it is not something widely discussed. That is not how it has to be. I received flowers, gift baskets, texts, prayers and so much more from my support system. Had I kept quiet and not spoken out about my experience I would have never had so many people reach out.
I had so many women tell me they have also lost a baby and many of these people now have beautiful children, which has given me hope. Hope that one day I will have my rainbow baby.
I hadn’t noticed how unrecognized miscarriages were until I had one myself. Which is why I’m writing this story. If you have gone through this heartache they call a miscarriage, I encourage you to reach out to someone. Whether that be a family member, friend, or therapist. Don’t be afraid to tell your story. You don’t have to feel alone. I have found so many amazing groups and people who have helped me more than ever. I know it can be scary to be vulnerable and seek help, but sometimes that’s the best thing you can do for yourself. It saved me.