It happened again. Took 15 months this time. But I found myself in the same spot I said I’d never be in. Lost, drowning, on the brink of a mental breakdown—however you want to put it.
I was gone in motherhood.
With the diapers piling up around me, I was getting mad at my husband for nothing, screaming at my oldest son, crying along with the babies, and in a fog.
I couldn’t do anything—literally—I couldn’t even pee without hearing a demand. When my children were quiet, my house billowed with the chores left undone.
I swore I wouldn’t lose myself this time. I would do everything in my power to hold onto the identity it took me three years after he was born to find. I would stay organized this time and allow self-care to happen. I’d still be “Patty.”
But she seemed to have slipped away. She got lost in the shuffle. I guess that’s what happens when your sole purpose is caring for other people.
So here I am lost.
Lost but trying. Lost but realizing the directions don’t make sense. Lost but not giving up.
Because she’s there, Patty, not mommy. She didn’t go away after her first; she was just missing. She was found again. She’ll be found this time. In those piles of diapers, in the fights with her husband, in the guilt that comes as she hears herself scream, in the tears that fall down her face, and in that fog.
So, if you find yourself lost remember you can be found.
You’re not gone just missing.
Although “mommy” is so overbearing, so tiring, and so taxing, you’re the best mommy to them. Those humans you love so much.
Feeling lost doesn’t make you a bad mom it makes you a person. You’re gonna be found again, mama. It just takes time.