I sat in a heap on my bed, my Bible on my nightstand. I knew I needed to open it, but I didn’t have the desire to even try. I could hear my husband out in the living room laughing with our kids. Their high-pitched squeals went in one ear and out the other. My baby was peacefully sleeping in the pack-n-play next to my bed. I looked at him and felt nothing. I was so tired of trying to force myself to be normal again. And it was not OK.

God, why do I still feel like this? Why aren’t you making me better? Why can’t I feel anything? Are you even there?

Where. Is. My. Joy.

My head was screaming but my heart was empty. I felt everything, yet nothing at all. I was two months postpartum and I realized that this was really happening. Postpartum depression had hit me like a ton of bricks, and I was drowning in the shame of a darkness that didn’t have a face.

But me, I have a face. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I am a Christian! I’m a daughter of the King! I have the Spirit of the Living God inside of me! So why wasn’t “The Joy of the Lord” coming through and being my strength? Was I not strong enough in my faith? Was I not seeking hard enough? Was I not praying fervently? Was I not trusting in my Healer?

I was so tired of asking, “Was I not. . .?”

One of the things I love about God is that He takes into account that fragile frame we have and has compassion on us (Psalm 103:13-14). He sees us in our depravity and He knows our hopelessness apart from Himself. And because of this, our good Father provides us with endurance– a way to escape the hard testing of this world (1 Corinthians 10:13), or in my case, postpartum depression.

Now if you’re anywhere like I was 2 months ago, the word “endurance” probably isn’t in your vocabulary anymore. I mean, I didn’t (and some days still don’t) have enough endurance to get out of bed in the morning, let alone face the darkness of my postpartum depression head on. But when I heard the hope of Matthew 17:20-21 and combined it with a month’s time of taking Lexapro, a ray of light began to shine onto my dark heart, and the fog began to lift.

“For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.”

So I made a choice. I decided I was done dwelling on the things that made me not OK and focus on what I knew I had in my mustard seed faith.

  • I didn’t have an emotional connection to the Lord or anyone else around me, but I had the certainty of my salvation.
  • My mind was dark and my heart was heavy, but I had the knowledge that the darkness is not dark to my Father.
  • I didn’t have the strength to move the mountain of depression in front of me, but I had hope in a God whose strength is greater than any hopelessness that weighed me down.
  • I had the shame of not being OK, but I had confidence in a God who sent His Son to heal my heart and mind.
  • I had loneliness that seemed to haunt my every waking moment, but when I finally chose to be vulnerable and tell people what was really going on, I had family and friends who rallied around me in my greatest time of need.

The good news? My mustard seed is growing. It’s been planted in fertile soil– the Word, accountability, Lexapro, and of course chocolate. And for those of you wandering in the darkness of postpartum depression and the hopelessness is looming over you, hear me loud and clear:

It’s OK to not be OK – even if you’re a Christian. Cling to your mustard seed faith, mama friend. The light will come back. And so will your joy.

You May Also Like: But Mommy You Were Too Busy

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Lauren Eberspacher

I'm Lauren and I'm a work-in-progress farmer's wife, coffee addict, follower of Jesus and a recovering perfectionist. When I don't have my three kids attached at my hip, you can find me bringing meals into the fields, dancing in my kitchen, making our house a home, and chatting over a piece of pie with my girl friends. I'm doing my best to live my life intentionally seeking all that God has for me and my family. Follow me at: www.fromblacktoptodirtroad.com From Blacktop to Dirt Road on Facebook laurenspach on Instagram

God Redeemed the Broken Parts of My Infertility Story

In: Faith, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Two young children walking on a path near a pond, color photo

It was a Wednesday morning when I sat around a table with a group of mamas I had just recently met. My youngest daughter slept her morning nap in a carrier across my chest. Those of us in the group who held floppy babies swayed back and forth. The others had children in childcare or enrolled in preschool down the road. We were there to chat, learn, grow, and laugh. We were all mamas. But we were not all the same. I didn’t know one of the mom’s names, but I knew I wanted to get to know her because she...

Keep Reading

God Has You

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman hugging herself while looking to the side

Holding tight to the cold, sterile rail of the narrow, rollaway ER bed, I hovered helplessly over my oldest daughter. My anxious eyes bounced from her now steadying breaths to the varying lines and tones of the monitor overhead. Audible reminders of her life that may have just been spared. For 14 years, we’d been told anaphylaxis was possible if she ingested peanuts. But it wasn’t until this recent late autumn evening we would experience the fear and frenzy of our apparent new reality. My frantic heart hadn’t stopped racing from the very moment she struggled to catch a breath....

Keep Reading

My Husband Having a Stroke at 30 Wasn’t in Our Plans

In: Faith, Living
Husband and wife, selfie, color photo

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV) This verse in the book of Jeremiah has long been a favorite of mine. In fact, it’s felt relevant across many life events. Its simple, yet powerful reminder has been a place of solace, perhaps even a way to maintain equilibrium when I’ve felt my world spinning a bit out of control. In this season of starting fresh and new year intentions, I find great comfort in knowing...

Keep Reading

She Left Him on Valentine’s Day

In: Faith, Marriage
Husband kissing wife on cheek, color photo

“Can you believe that?” Those were the dreaded knife-cutting whispers I heard from across the table. I sunk deeper into my chair. My hopes fell as everyone would forever remember that I had left my fiancée on Valentine’s Day. Maybe one day it would just dissipate like the dream wedding I had planned or the canceled plane tickets for the Hawaiian honeymoon. Some bridesmaids and guests had already booked plane tickets. It was my own nightmare that kept replaying in my head over and over again. I had messed up. Big time. To be honest, if it made any difference,...

Keep Reading

God was In the Room for Our Daughter’s Open Heart Surgery

In: Faith, Motherhood
Child's hand with IV

I’ve had a strong faith for as long as I can remember, but I always felt bad that I never had a “testimony.” I had never gone through something that made me sit back and say, “Wow, God is real, He is here.” I have always felt it to my core, but no moment had ever stopped me dead in my tracks to where there was no denying that it was God. And then, that moment happened to me on December 5. After five months of fervently praying for a miracle for our daughter, the day came for her heart...

Keep Reading

A Benediction for the Worn Out Mother

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman leaning against kitchen counter, black-and-white photo

Blessed are you, Father, for bestowing upon me the honor of motherhood. For allowing me to experience the deep joy of bringing forth life—a joy I often take for granted and instead choose to begrudge. My children’s cries and demands have worn me down. I do not recognize myself. I selfishly long for the old me. My thoughts are an intangible mess of never-ending tasks, self-criticism, and comparison to those around me. RELATED: God Sees You, Weary Mama But Your word says you are near to the broken-hearted and downtrodden. You do not forget the cause of the tired and the...

Keep Reading

God Doesn’t Forget You When You’re Lost and Unsure

In: Faith, Living
Woman looking into camera, color photo

I’ve been wandering around feeling lost for over a year. Wondering where I’m going, what I’m supposed to be doing. Nothing seems to make sense. I felt purposeless. I felt stuck. I questioned everything: my faith, my marriage, my career—if it could be questioned, I doubted it. And I was completely clueless how to fix the funk. For over a year, I’ve been in the wilderness. I’ve wanted to find my way, but every path seemed like another dead end. The wilderness. I’ve been residing there. Not feeling fed. Not feeling heard. Not feeling seen. Struggling to find a purpose....

Keep Reading

And Then, the Darkness Lifts

In: Faith, Motherhood
Mother with baby smiling

Today when I woke, it had lifted, like sunshine peeking after rain. And as my toddler clicked on the lamp beside my bed to see her mama, I saw me too. I got out of bed and I walked down the hall. And the coffee pot sat there waiting for me, as always, like my husband at the kitchen table with his books. He smiled at me, and I think he could tell as I took my medicine, took down a mug, and poured my coffee. I opened the secretary desk and pulled out the chair and my Bible, like...

Keep Reading

Joy in This Stillness

In: Faith, Motherhood
Mother holding sleeping toddler, color photo

I woke up suddenly in a sweat while it was still dark. Except for the humming of the oxygen machine, the house was silent. For a moment, I thought I might have time to enjoy a cup of coffee before my son woke up. However, a glance at my daughter’s crib told me that feeding my caffeine addiction would have to wait. My daughter has a terminal brain disorder called Lissencephaly, a side effect of which is uncontrolled epilepsy. Many mornings, a subconscious recognition that she is having episodes of repeated seizures rouses me from my sleep. Throwing on a...

Keep Reading

Sometimes All We Can Do Is Say How Hard Motherhood Is

In: Faith, Motherhood
Tired mom with baby in foreground

I have been sitting in the peace and quiet of the office to do some long overdue Bible study for all of five minutes when the baby wakes up. With a heavy sigh that is becoming all too common, I go to the bedroom to pick up my fussy, probably getting sick, 8-month-old daughter who has been asleep for approximately 15 minutes. I bring her to the office and put her on the floor with some new books and toys. Sitting back down in front of my own new book of Bible maps and charts, I begin reading once again....

Keep Reading