My whole world felt complete the day I gave birth to my son. We had tried and tried to get pregnant and prayed ceaselessly for an answer. There had always been a burning desire within my heart to be a mother, and I was determined to make it happen.
But the journey to motherhood was emotional and draining. I fell into a depression as month after month, test after test, my dream was put on hold.
There is one conversation that sticks out to me, even to this day. I was out with a group of girlfriends engaging in our normal girl talk. But something was different. My spirit was heavy, and my eyes were full of tears. A friend asked me what was wrong. The only way I could explain it was, “I feel like I have no real purpose in life.”
This was, in fact, exactly how I felt at the time. I knew that being a mother was not the only thing that defines a woman, yet I couldn’t shake the aching feeling inside my soul.
A few months later my world was turned upside down by a tiny plus sign. A sense of peace and bliss and relief washed over me.
The Lord answered our prayers in a way far greater than imaginable and gifted us with the most precious baby boy I had ever seen. The moment he was placed into my arms, my heart stopped beating for me and started beating for him. I had never fallen in love so hard or so fast.
My son is now eight months old. He is strong and brave and hilarious. He crawls at the speed of light and wears an I-can-do-it-myself look at all times. He has been a joy and fills each day with immeasurable purpose.
Since his birth, my heart has felt completely content. But my husband and I always knew we wanted more than one child. So, we began the journey again.
The Lord’s answer to prayer came much more quickly this time. He blessed us with another sweet soul within just a couple of months. We were thrilled to find out about the new addition to our family. But, if I am honest, a bunch of questions swirled amongst the happy thoughts.
Will I love this child the same?
Is there enough of me for both children?
How will I make my son still feel special when I am taking care of a needy baby?
These questions filled my mind and caused some doubt to stir within me. I felt guilty for feeling any ounce of apprehension or fear. What is wrong with me? Why am I not as excited this time? What am I doing wrong?
But, as always, God spoke to my weary heart.
All fears and doubts fled with the first sound of that tiny heartbeat. My heart doubled in size when I saw that first black-and-white photo.
We have now found out the gender of this baby and chosen his name. Each day I can feel him growing within my tummy and my heart falling deeper in love.
I know things will never be the same. I know the journey of having two children a year apart will be a wild one. I know there will be days when I doubt myself or feel burned out. But I also know I am more than capable of loving my two children the very same.