I Don’t Want a New Me For the New Year

Ten years ago when we were getting ready to ring in 2009, I had just found out our first baby was a girl. I had also recently just turned 27 and thought that was a nice, mature age to be “ready” to launch into motherhood.

However, over the last 10 years, it never seemed to fail—as soon as I thought I had myself, life, or this motherhood thing figured out, I’d find myself a little lost on my way. I’d question myself. I’d doubt myself. I’d play that horrid comparison game with myself and other women that we’re all guilty of at some point.

I found myself in a demanding career that got tougher and tougher to manage every year on top of first, one kid, then two, and finally three kids. Add two miscarriages, an episode of postpartum depression, the onset of navigating a hearing disability, marriage with careers and kids. And how do I even get started on the toll motherhood takes on your body and sense of identity when it comes to your marriage, career, and interests?

There were times I was looking in the mirror wondering who the girl staring back at me was.

I’d question whether I was going to come out on the other side of this and find myself again? I wish I could say it was a simple find, but 10 years later, I’ve lost track of how many times I lost and found myself.

Though motherhood is without a doubt the most rewarding thing ever, it’s also so very hard! Then I learned we hide in shame because it’s hard, because we can’t succeed at everything at once, and we’re left wondering what’s wrong with me that I’m struggling so much with this? As women and as mothers, we focus way too much on seeing all the things we do wrong rather than the things we’ve done right.

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As another year on this journey of life and motherhood comes to a close, I’ve decided I’m not going to make resolutions in 2020 to think I need to do more or be more or have more than what I have and what I am. So at this time of the year when we all take a moment to look back and make goals—ways we can do better, be better, do more, or have more—my resolution isn’t to build a new, supposedly better me but to just give the me I am grace and to love myself more.

I will give myself permission to fail and to accept that I’m going to make mistakes—at everything—and it’s going to be OK.

I’ll understand asking for help or sharing my struggles doesn’t mean I’m weak.

My resolution isn’t about a new me in 2020 but accepting me and this life of mine in all the highs and lows.

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May we all on this journey of motherhood and life give ourselves grace and love and accept ourselves for who we are. We are not meant to be perfect or life to be flawless, so why aim for perfection each New Year’s Eve. Let’s aim to embrace all we are rather than feel the need to fix all we aren’t.

Happy New Year! I hope the new decade treats you well.