There is always a risk in love. Loving someone is such a vulnerable thing because as you give your heart to that person, you don’t know what will happen to it.
I’ve found when I think about the people I love most in life, I sometimes fall into the fear trap. I fear rejection, I fear abandonment, but my biggest fear of all is that I will somehow lose them.
I have always been a bit morbid. I remember crying in bed at night as a little kid and even into my teenage years thinking about my loved ones dying. Although I may have been a bit dramatic, I think this is a reality that we all think about at some point. Losing people is a part of life. A really scary and sad part of life.
These thoughts have become even more hard to bear as I’ve gotten older and started a family of my own.
As I look at my amazing husband and beautiful baby, I can feel that fearful, awful thought creep into my mind. What if I lost them?
What if they get sick? What if they get hurt? What if they die?
It’s too much to think about so I shut my eyes and shake my head in hopes I can physically remove the thoughts.
I can’t, though.
I try to tell myself God will protect them. But I can’t act like I don’t see and hear those stories. The child with terminal cancer; the car accident; the unthinkable. They happen. And the reality is that God doesn’t love my husband or baby more than any of the husbands and babies terrible things happen to.
God’s protection and love do not guarantee any duration of life on this earth. It doesn’t guarantee we never get sick. It certainly doesn’t guarantee our loved ones will never suffer. God’s love just guarantees we will never go through these things alone, and that someday after this life, we will get to be with Him.
I think about all these things and then my prayers turn to this: please don’t let anything happen to them while I’m here on Earth. I know they would get to be with you, but I’d have to be here without them. Please, please, please.
My dad always says, “We only have today.” And it’s so true. And even today isn’t guaranteed. We will die, all of us. But we are also so blessed to have this one life.
And that’s where I find my peace—that I have been given today. I get to live and enjoy my family today. I get to be a blessing to someone else today.
I have been trying to change my what if to what now. What do I have right now to be grateful for? What NOW can I do to be in the moment, to enjoy this life.
I remember there is no fear in love, so if I don’t want to live in the what ifs, love must be the answer.
So today I choose to live in the now, in these beautiful moments, in the love.
When the fear comes in, I remind myself that right now, we are here, we are happy and we get to love each other right where we are. Right now is the blessing. It’s all we have.
Think about it, how would we cherish each other if time wasn’t so limited? If we never had to say good bye, would small moments even be valuable? Would we even feel the need to be present in the moment, if infinite moments were to come? Maybe, just maybe, the fact that we don’t live forever is a blessing, too.