By Ashli Mazer 
When God gave me you, I understood the true power of change.
For nine months my body grew and stretched. I folded my favorite jeans and placed them in the closet. Hopeful for the day we would reunite, maybe with a cute top and heels, and your father by my side at our favorite restaurant. For days, weeks, and months after your arrival, I poked, sighed, nudged, and tucked extra skin. I cursed stretch marks as I reminisced of the body that use to stare back in the mirror at me.
When God gave me you I learned what “love at first sight” truly meant.
The idea of girl meets boy, their eyes lock, hearts patter faster, and suddenly a divine intervention brings them standing face-to-face. Well, my dear child, that visual is made for the movies, because “love at first sight” is reserved for a parent and child. In fact, our love was created in a miraculous moment. The moment when you took your first breath and I lost mine staring at you. It occurred the instant they placed you in my arms. You never felt like a stranger, but instead a missing piece in our world.
When God gave me you, I experienced the magic of 2 a.m.
With exhaustion racing through my mind and veins, your piercing cry would jolt me upright and to your side. In the quietness of the night, it was just you and me, baby.
Even when it felt impossible for my weary body to function, there was pure magic as I fed and rocked you in those 2 a.m. feedings. Something about the darkness and silence that brought out a beautiful peacefulness, and a non-verbal connection between us two.
When God gave me you I became more patient and understanding.
There were moments of frustration, and times when the days and nights felt so long. As you grew there were seasons of change, and the things that stressed me before were suddenly replaced by new worries and challenges that needed to be faced. Most days, my patience was tested. I gritted my teeth and excused myself to my bedroom for my own time-out. I learned to extend grace to you and myself as we tackled every new endeavor.
When God gave me you I loved my own momma more.
Yes, your grandma became more special in my book, too. Suddenly I realized the magnitude of the transformation from woman to mom. The love and appreciation I had for my own mom grew with you. The reality is I never knew the work, stress, worry, and challenges my own mom went through until I became a mom myself. Looking at you, I could finally see the love she had given to me all these years, and every sacrifice she made in between.
When God gave me you I realized my own strength.
I endured intense pain during those early morning hours when my contractions intensified. My heart broke into tiny pieces watching kids ignore you for the first time on the playground. But through it all, I realized your strength starts with me. I bend and break thousands of times quietly in an effort to keep you safe and secure. On the days when I feel broken, I look at you and know my strength is derived from the intense love I have for you.
When God gave me you I found myself.
I thought I knew myself. I thought I knew who I was in this world. No, my dear child, I never flourished in this life until God gave me you. I never realized my own attributes to this world until I held, cared for, and loved you. There was so much to learn and oh so much more to gain from the gift a being a mom. When people talk about their legacy and their work on this Earth, I always searched high and low. But now, I look at you and realize if mine is only you, well, then God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave me you.
Originally published on the author’s blog
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God Sees You, Middle of the Night Mama
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