My love for you began when you were just a thought in my mind. It grew with every movement you made in my belly, with every smile that lit up your face and spread to mine, with every kiss and every story we have shared together. It’s a love with no condition and no end. It will surpass even the time I spend with you on this earth.

Because even after I’m gone, my love will live inside of you, just as you once lived inside of me.

You are the most rewarding, challenging, and worthwhile part of my life. For you, I would do it all again. I would give up my nights of rest, my hair lost from all the stress, my once-skinny belly, my life without worry, my aspiring career, and all I had to leave behind.
 
You are my most important job, and you have paid me in the form of a million sloppy kisses and cozy cuddles. There have also been a million mealtime messes, bubble baths, stroller rides, park playdates, songs sung, books read, and itsy-bitsy spiders going up the waterspout.

RELATED: I Hope I Loved You Enough Today

Now, as you are growing up and my name is suddenly shortening to the three-lettered Mom, I find myself already missing the sweet embrace of your babyhood.

You need me a little less every day and your need for privacy becomes ever more apparent.

That’s exactly as it should be, but oh, how I’ll miss the sound of your footsteps in the morning, the excitement of Christmastime, and your grand, tooth fairy discoveries, the run to see me after a long school day, the misspelled notes, the shoes on the wrong feet, the artwork covering my refrigerator, the curls in your hair, and the dimples in your tiny, chubby hands that always find their way under the bathroom door, reaching out for me.
 
Eventually, I will once again use the potty in privacy, eat a treat in open view, quietly watch a movie, take an easy picture, or maybe just sit still. I’ll say goodbye to all of the diapers and pacifiers, bottles and sippy cups, high chairs and carseats.

I’ll lose sleep waiting on a teenager rather than by watching your chest rise and fall in your crib. I’ll dance at your wedding instead of on bended knee in the living room. I’ll hold your baby in the same chair that once rocked you, always singing, “You Are My Sunshine.”

But even now, I know too well I should have enjoyed these years more, just as so many have warned.

Still, it can be hard in the midst of all the tantrums, transitions, tummy aches, and toys galore. My lap is never big enough, your fun time never long enough, a sibling never nice enough, and life is just never quite fair enough. The hairbrush hurts, the food is yucky, the clothes are scratchy, the seatbelt is stuck, the coat will not zip, everything is the wrong color, and the bumps at the end of the socks are just plain annoying.

Yet in the depths of my exhaustion during these little years, I found a love I never knew existed.

For it was often you who comforted me the most, picked me up when I fell down, and gave me plenty of reason to carry on. I’ll never regret the sacrifices I made so you could shine. And, my, how you have shined.

RELATED: Love Them When They’re Little and You’ll Know How to Love Them When They’re Big

You are strong, talented, determined, and beautiful. But never forget, most beautiful of all is your heart. It’s a gift you have shared with me, and it’s been my most precious of all. You are–and always will be–the pride in my soul, the beat in my heart, the joy in my step, and one of the greatest loves in my life.
 
I can’t wait to watch you change the world in your own little way. I know you have learned your colors and shapes, your ABCs and 123s, but even more, I hope you have learned your manners and your values, your confidence, and your humility.

RELATED: I’ll Take the Tired—Because Someday They Will Leave Me

Just remember as you spread your wings, your roots will always stay. Because even after your fingerprints clear from the windows and your spills fade from the floors, a piece of you will remain in my home and in my heart. For it was in these walls that you first crawled and in my arms that you first slept.
 
Every first is a memory I can’t forget but it’s the lasts that have escaped me. If only I knew it was the last time I carried you, I would have hung on a little tighter and walked a little longer. If I could go back, I would not have minded just one more drink or snuggle at bedtime. I would have kept your baby voice and contagious giggle wrapped up in my ears. For they were the sweetest sounds I’ve ever known–a soundtrack to our days of playing and painting, dancing and dreaming, laughing and living.
 
I have loved every one of these little years with you, tiresome and demanding as they have been. Even more, I have loved you, little one. And no matter how big you grow or how far you go, that is one thing that will never change.
 
So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Amber Backus

I am a journalist turned stay-at-home mommy to four children, three sons and one daughter. These days, naptime is the perfect time to return to my first love of writing.

What Daniel Tiger Taught Me About Standing up for What’s Right

In: Living, Motherhood
Two young girls climbing a tree, color photo

On a beautiful, sunny morning, I was with mama friends and all our kiddos. Between the five of us, we had two to four kids each, the oldest at six years old and the youngest had just learned to walk. I had my daughter in my lap as I sat squished in a toddler chair at a small table. She was picking up Goldfish crackers one by one, and I was talking happily with my friends. But then someone brought up a recent Daniel Tiger episode with a tang in her voice that concerned me. I recalled the exact episode she...

Keep Reading

Dear Daughter, God Knew I Needed You

In: Motherhood
Mother with toddler daughter, laughing, color photo

Life sure knows how to throw surprises our way, doesn’t it? And you, my sweet daughter, were the absolute best surprise ever. Even though we thought our family was complete with your two amazing brothers, your unexpected entrance brought an extra dose of love and gratitude into our hearts. I can still vividly recall the moment when your daddy and I read the word “GIRL” while opening the gender test—we couldn’t believe it. We were going to have a daughter. We were going to have you, and we were beyond excited. Please, never think that being a surprise means you...

Keep Reading

Our Home is Full of Laundry, Dishes, Dust—and Love

In: Motherhood
Dust on floor

My house will never be worthy of photographs. It will always have dust in the corners, a random piece of straw on the floor, and lacking that interior design spark. With a house full of kids and critters, you never feel caught up. There are dirty dishes and dusty tiles. Laundry, a floor that needs vacuumed, pillows that need fluffed. I hope that what it’s lacking in finesse, we’re compensating with love. Warmth, snuggles, hugs. A home-cooked meal shared with laughs even if it leaves the kitchen messy. RELATED: Welcome to Our Messy House—We Love It Here Fun times mixed...

Keep Reading

To the Woman Navigating Divorce: You Will Get Through This

In: Living, Marriage, Motherhood
Woman with eyes closed standing outside, profile shot

On May 4th, 2023 I was delivered devastating news. My husband no longer loved me, and he wanted to end our marriage. This was the last thing I expected. I tried to get him to work things out, but he was firm on the decision that we were done. My heart broke for my children and what I thought I wanted for my life. As it turns out though, this separation and soon-to-be divorce is probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. It has given me a new appreciation for myself, brought me closer to...

Keep Reading

This Time In the Passenger Seat is Precious

In: Kids, Motherhood, Teen
Teen driver with parent in passenger seat

When you’re parenting preteens and teens, it sometimes feels like you are an unpaid Uber driver. It can be a thankless job. During busy seasons, I spend 80 percent of my evenings driving, parking, dropping off, picking up, sitting in traffic, running errands, waiting in drive-thru lines. I say things like buckle your seat belt, turn that music down a little bit, take your trash inside, stop yelling—we are in the car, keep your hands to yourself, don’t make me turn this car around, get your feet off the back of the seat, this car is not a trash can,...

Keep Reading

Sometimes God Sends a Double Rainbow

In: Baby, Loss, Motherhood
Two sacs as seen in early pregnancy sonogram

I lay on the ultrasound table prepared to hear the worst. While this pregnancy wasn’t totally expected, it was a miracle for me. I knew with the current stress in my life and the symptoms of a miscarriage, I may have to face another heartbreak to my series of heartbreaks over the last two years. I questioned what I did wrong to deserve it all. I prayed I had been stronger in my prior life: to have made better decisions. So I lay there, I held my breath, and I waited as the tech put the cold jelly over my...

Keep Reading

I Never Thought We’d Homeschool, But We Do and We Love It

In: Motherhood
Family standing together on street, color photo

Like putting sore, tired feet in front of the fire, homeschooling has brought rejuvenation to our hearts and household. We were running on caffeine and fumes far too long, and this past winter, I saw the light. There was a cold evening that brought me to such a low, I felt I wouldn’t live to see another day. I envisioned my tombstone reading, Here lies the bones of a mom who beat her head against the wall attempting to decipher fifth-grade math homework. I was afraid my relationship with my girl was starting to come down to three things: fighting...

Keep Reading

So God Made My Daughter a Wrestler

In: Kids, Motherhood
Young female wrestler wearing mouth guard and wrestling singlet

God made my girl a wrestler. Gosh, those are words I would never have thought I would say or be so insanely proud to share with you. But I am. I know with 100 percent certainty and overwhelming pride that God made my girl a wrestler. But it’s been a journey. Probably one that started in the spring of 2010 when I was pregnant with my first baby and having the 20-week anatomy ultrasound. I remember hearing the word “girl” and squealing. I was over the moon excited—all I could think about were hair bows and cute outfits. And so...

Keep Reading

Even Though You Left Too Soon, You Gave Me Hope

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Early sonogram image

This was the fifth time I’d seen those two pink lines letting me know that a baby was on the way, but I only had one child to show for it, so I’d learned to damper my happiness and excitement. Each miscarriage brought its own unique flavor—one was marked by anxiety, another anger, deep sadness, and then apathy. I’d learned not to get too close to a pregnancy, but this time I leaned into it in a way I hadn’t before. There was a tender and growing elation, and I felt immediate love and gratitude. Sure, there was no telling...

Keep Reading

A Big Family Can Mean Big Feelings

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Family with many kids holding hands on beach

I’m a mother of six. Some are biological, and some are adopted. I homeschool most of them. I’m a “trauma momma” with my own mental health struggles. My husband and I together are raising children who have their own mental illnesses and special needs. Not all of them, but many of them. I battle thoughts of anxiety and OCD daily. I exercise, eat decently, take meds and supplements, yet I still have to go to battle. The new year has started slow and steady. Our younger kids who are going to public school are doing great in their classes and...

Keep Reading