It’s my first Father’s Day without you.

And I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know if I should put on a brave face and celebrate. Maybe I can eat your favorite foods and look at pictures. Maybe I can put on your favorite songs and listen to voicemails. But maybe that will be too painful.

I don’t know if I should treat it like any other day. Maybe it’s too fresh. Maybe it would be too hard to acknowledge this year because the grief is still so heavy. Maybe it would be OK to say that this year my heart is too broken to try and manufacture any cheer.

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I don’t know if I should go to the cemetery. I don’t know if I should reminisce on the Father’s days we used to spend together. I don’t know if I should get out or stay in. Be around people or be alone.

I don’t know how to do any of this. I don’t know what Father’s Day should look like now.

But I do know this.

I know that it may be a painful day, but your love is still with me every step of the way.

I know that it may be unpredictable and triggers will be everywhere. But there may be moments of comfort in those memories, too.

I know that I’ll think of you all day even if I don’t know the best way to feel all the emotions it brings out in me.

I know that I’ll always be your little girl.

And I know that someday when I see you again, we will celebrate the things we missed and the love that stayed, no matter what.

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It’s your first Father’s Day in Heaven, Dad.

I love you immensely and miss you even more.

I hope you are celebrating with the saints.