Divorce is the death of someone who is still living. And in the past 365 days, I have grieved, cried, mourned, been alone, lived alone, experienced joy, found faith, grappled with pain, lost friends, forgave, supported, and loved. I shared my voice, been betrayed, unearthed lost confidence, stumbled, fallen, discovered self-love, made mistakes, and apologized. Now, after a year, the grief is still there. It may always be a part of me. The loss of what was and what could have been. It has become a chapter of my story. My journey. My future. I have no regrets. Because it is mine, forming me into a woman I am becoming more proud of every day.
I knew what to expect the first year. I prepared myself for what I could and relied on God for the rest. I knew I was going to sell my home, furniture, move, get a job, file for divorce. I knew I would be separated from my children during weekends, holidays, and memories. I knew I would go to hell and come back.
Year two. I have no idea what is in store. And that is what is exciting about it. 2016 was all about surviving. 2017 is all about living. So, you could say this is my second year New Year’s Resolutions.
- Strengthen my faith
My faith flourished last year and I want to continue with knowing and loving the Lord. I want to focus on my time with Him. In prayer. In song. In worship. In teaching. In writing. I will be more vocal in my belief of Christ and the salvation that is mine to take. This might turn others away, but I feel the light and the hope shine in me when I do this. For I know, He has something amazing in store for me.
What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived, the things God has prepared for those who love him. -1 Corinthians 2:14
- Be present with my children
I confess this will be difficult. The cooking, cleaning, errands, and laundry are all on me, which I can get caught up in. Social media is a fingertip away, taking precious minutes away from these eager and loving hearts. I have to reteach myself to stop and listen. Talk to them. Turn the outside noise down. Hold them longer. Cuddle with them more. Lay with them till they sleep. Two of them. One of me. The dishes can wait. Facebook isn’t going anywhere. My whole world is right in front of me, needing, loving, and wanting me. And I want them. I NEED them.
Be happy in the moment, that’s enough. Each moment is all we need, not more. – Mother Teresa
- Reach my hand out to new friends
Friendships as adults can be difficult to make. However, the past 12 months forced me to let go of judgement and perfection. I showed my weaknesses, asked for help, and said yes. By doing this, I developed deeper, more meaningful relationships with others. In the new year, I want more. I want to be encouraged, inspired, and pushed to be more. More of a friend. More of a neighbor. More of a woman. The friendships I have made since my divorce and will continue to make are saving me. I am gathering my tribe and I am not done yet.
Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. -C.S. Lewis
- Take risks
I still believe in love, marriage, and commitment. I am willing to put myself out there again to find it. Even when I will get hurt. Even when I will get rejected. Even when I am scared. Because it is worth it. I have so much love inside of me not to try again. I want to share my days, my moments, my hard times, my good times, my sadness, my happiness, my love, my weirdness. I know this is not going to be easy. Life never is. Yet, at the end of the day, I need to know that I tried. I made an effort. And maybe, just maybe, it will pay off. Either way, the chance I take is another chapter in this novel of my life.
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. – 1 Corinthians 13: 13
I am not going to lie, I am scared. It is exciting but terrifying at the same time. I have no idea what this year will bring. I have experienced all the “milestones.” What does the future look like? Where do I go from here? What is the next step? The not knowing, the lack of a road map, is making me uneasy. Unsure. It’s daunting.
Living. I will keep living. I will take my resolutions and carry on. I will keep on trying. I will keep on loving. I will keep on going. I trust in the Lord and the path He has for me. If I live in fear of what could happen. Of the pain, I could feel. Then I lose. Setbacks will happen. I will trip and fall. But I am going to live a life where I have no regrets.
Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. -James 4:14