Never have I ever, cried in the middle of the grocery store.

…or made Daddy cuddle the sick kid so I wouldn’t catch it.

…or accidentally left a kid inside on my way out to run errands.

…or breast pumped a full session without any bottles attached to the shields.


Never have I ever, pretended to be asleep when a kid came looking for me.

…or postponed potty training before a big road trip.

…or ignored a dirty diaper so someone else would change it first.


Never have I ever, bought Kraft instead of Annie’s Homegrown.

…or locked a kid in a room with an iPad.

…or faked toddler crayon scratch on a card for grandparents. (They were napping and that card HAD to get in the mail stat, okay??)


Never have I ever, unnecessarily taken a kid with me to an event for an easy, early exit.

…or joined a gym for the free kid-care.

Never Have I Ever

(Whatever, I’m pretty sure if my 1980s mom had a time machine, she would have prayed iPads into existence.)


Never have I ever, thrown away my kid’s Happy Meal toy five minutes after we got home.

…or thrown away my kid’s art work while they’re asleep.

…or thrown away old toys while they’re asleep.


Never have I ever, washed my kid’s hair with dry shampoo. (Smells clean, right?)

Never ever have I ever, considered using a diaper from the diaper bag because I couldn’t bear the thought of unloading my kids because I had to pee for 5 seconds. Nope, never crossed my mind.

Never have I ever, merged lunch time with nap time, and threw a hotdog and a string cheese in bed with them.

…or dosed my kid with melatonin at bedtime. (What? What’s that? Melatonin? Never heard of it…)

…or faked a bathroom trip for some alone time.


Never have I ever, spent $200 on a baby yoga or music class. (No, really. I seriously haven’t.)

Never have I ever, told a kid they’re my favorite.

Never have I ever, doubted myself. Or thought I was failing. Or cried out of frustration. Or wished my kids were different.

Nope. None of that. Never, ever. Not even once.

Parenting…it’s not what I expected. I’m not what I expected. It ain’t all that glamorous and it brings out the best in us doesn’t it? Parenting is a constant dance of forgiving yourself, forgiving your kids, and forgiving your partner. Balancing your dreams with reality, your expectations with your budget. It’s a dance with ever-changing choreography– as soon as you think you’ve got it down, the rhythm changes and it’s time to learn new steps. Trust me when I tell you, I am not perfect, you’re not perfect, and that mom with brushed hair at preschool isn’t either.

We’re all hanging on by our mouthwash and dry shampoo, hoping the preschool teacher doesn’t have to pull us aside for whatever charming song lyrics our little songstress is teaching her friends. So if it’s a late night, or another early morning (for the love of God, could you just sleep through your pooping, dear sweet infant?) and you find yourself doing something you swore you’d NEVER do? Don’t worry, I’ve never done that either.

Kathryn Grassmeyer

Kathryn is a southern transplant, working and living in Northern Virginia with her husband Tyler and daughter Charlotte. She is soaking up life as a family of three before baby #2 arrives this summer. When she’s not blowing noses or failing at potty training, she works as a pediatric physical therapist. Blog: Facebook: Twitter: