Each phase of life since my mom died has brought different struggles, triumphs, and varieties of emotion. I always knew that grief was lifelong and complicated, however, I definitely underestimated the ways in which it changes as time goes on.
I remember the beginning years as survival mode. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through each day until that day had passed and I was on to the next one. It was figuring out who I was and what my life was going to become during this awful new normal. Some days were harder than others and some didn’t even feel real.
Now, as all of these years have passed, my grief has changed and evolved in ways so different than when I was that young girl trying to navigate a world without her mom.
I needed my mom in different ways than I need her now.
As I get older and watch my friends get to have now adult relationships with their moms, I start to feel this void in ways that I wasn’t prepared for.
I spent so much time trying to figure out how to live life without a mom that I didn’t understand what that would really feel like as the years continued to go on and my mom wasn’t ever coming back.
Marriage. Babies. Shopping. Happy hours. Late-night calls when life is overwhelming.
These are just some of the first things that come to mind that I have gotten to watch
my friends share with their mothers.
Let’s get this straight. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone and I am so incredibly happy for them that they get to experience these things with the person they need most.
I would just also be lying if I didn’t express the way it stings with pain and jealousy every time I see it.
My mom won’t be at my wedding. She won’t get to be a grandmother to my kids. We can’t go shopping or go to happy hour. I don’t get to call her when life is overwhelming.
As much time as I have spent over this past decade trying to figure out who I was and what my life looked like without a mom, it hasn’t made these things easier.
I’m not sure it ever will, and that is OK.