Things are scary right now. Everyone around me is living in fear, chaos, and uncertainty. Jobs aren’t secure. Health isn’t guaranteed. A pandemic and its aftermath is something most of us have not lived through in our lifetime. We have never experienced something like this and to be honest, it is straight-up terrifying,
When things in life get hard and scary my grief gets stronger.
My mom’s absence becomes more present and the void she left becomes harder and harder to fill. These are the times I wish I could crawl into bed with my mom and have her remind me that it will all be okay and that we will get through this together.
I wish I could call my mom, just to check and see how she is doing.
I wish I could call her just to tell her everything I’m seeing and hearing at work and how afraid I really am. I wish I could call her just to hear her voice and know that nothing is as bad as it seems right now because I will always have someone to make me feel safe and someone to make anywhere feel like home.
I see my friends with their parents—in fact, some of them spend almost all of their time with them. They cling to them for support and have a safe place to fall. Although I do have my dad and he is wonderful, I can’t help that it stings a little more to know I will never have my mom here again.
I can’t help but envy what other people in my life still have. They have a lifeline and a form of support that I will never have again, and frankly, something I haven’t had for a very long time.
I will never again have my mom here to help me get through the hard stuff.
I will never again have her support in the times I need her the most.
I will never again get to hear her tell me that things will get better and that she will always be here for me.
Because although deep down I know she will always be here, it doesn’t make it easier that I can’t see her, touch her or even remember her smell anymore. It doesn’t make it any easier that she isn’t here physically.
I miss my mom so much.