Things are scary right now. Everyone around me is living in fear, chaos, and uncertainty. Jobs aren’t secure. Health isn’t guaranteed. A pandemic and its aftermath is something most of us have not lived through in our lifetime. We have never experienced something like this and to be honest, it is straight-up terrifying,

When things in life get hard and scary my grief gets stronger.

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My mom’s absence becomes more present and the void she left becomes harder and harder to fill. These are the times I wish I could crawl into bed with my mom and have her remind me that it will all be okay and that we will get through this together.

I wish I could call my mom, just to check and see how she is doing.

I wish I could call her just to tell her everything I’m seeing and hearing at work and how afraid I really am. I wish I could call her just to hear her voice and know that nothing is as bad as it seems right now because I will always have someone to make me feel safe and someone to make anywhere feel like home.

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I see my friends with their parents—in fact, some of them spend almost all of their time with them. They cling to them for support and have a safe place to fall. Although I do have my dad and he is wonderful, I can’t help that it stings a little more to know I will never have my mom here again.

I can’t help but envy what other people in my life still have. They have a lifeline and a form of support that I will never have again, and frankly, something I haven’t had for a very long time.

I will never again have my mom here to help me get through the hard stuff.

I will never again have her support in the times I need her the most.

I will never again get to hear her tell me that things will get better and that she will always be here for me.

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Because although deep down I know she will always be here, it doesn’t make it easier that I can’t see her, touch her or even remember her smell anymore. It doesn’t make it any easier that she isn’t here physically. 

I miss my mom so much.