For the first time in four years all three of my kids are in school full-time, yet it’s almost two months into the freedom I have been craving for four years, and I can’t find a rhythm. I am struggling to find a routine. I have plenty of appointments on the calendar, standing volunteer times at my oldest daughter’s school, and a part-time job outside of the house. But the rest of my time, the time my partner and I purposely carved into my week, is meant to be for me and my writing. I finally have time to work on my soul’s need, my heart’s passion and my dream full-time job, and I feel paralyzed.

For so long I have been the frazzled, exhausted, joyously grateful and mind-numbingly bored stay-at-home mom, and now that I am not, I am struggling. My oldest child was in full-time daycare when my twins were born, and to keep things normal for her and affordable to my family, I quit my job to stay home with the twins. My partner turned into our primary and only source of income and benefits and selflessly carried the weight of that responsibility. It made sense, but I resisted the change. I take a lot of pride in working. Being trusted with a job and being paid for it are things I never take for granted. I missed the sense of a completed task and affirmations from co-workers and clients.

Taking care of my children will always be my most challenging and trusted job, but there was a piece of me that was never fulfilled when I was home with them full-time. I rarely completed a task, and they were not very generous with approval ratings. We had a rhythm, though. We had playgroups, story times, the park, trips to Costco. We had a routine. And when I could sneak in an hour or two of writing I felt accomplished. But now, after waiting for so long to have exactly what I want, I feel like a failure.

I know I am not a failure, but it feels like I am failing. More specifically, I am afraid to fail.

Now that I have the time to achieve personal and professional goals, the only person I have to blame or place excuses on if I don’t succeed is me. This terrifies me. Because what if the hope I have been holding onto for four years of finally writing a book, of cranking out important stories, and sharing touching essays was only a figment of my imagination? What if the most fulfilling job I will ever have is raising my kids, and what if it’s never enough?

To avoid answering any and all of these questions, I have avoided writing all together. Instead, I have been doing one house project after another. I painted my bedroom. I pressure washed the house. I organized the art room/office. I cleaned the inside of the grill. I even bought an extra propane tank just in case the one connected to the grill should run empty in the middle of cooking dinner, because I have all the time in the world to not do what I should actually be doing, what I really want to be doing.

I can’t fail at something I am not doing. But I can’t succeed either.

With this new change and the beginning of a new routine, comes another realignment of my identity. It took longer than two months for me to find my groove as a SAHM, yet I found it. I got really good at it. I even enjoyed it most days. So I should probably show myself some compassion as I figure out this next phase of my life. I am trying to remind myself that it’s okay if it takes longer than I thought to fit comfortably into my new role. And it will be okay to fail.

As much as I didn’t know how to be the right kind of spouse, I got married. As much as I didn’t know how to be the best parent, I had kids. I have succeeded and failed in marriage and parenthood, but not without trying.

As much as I don’t know the right way to turn this new free time into something I can be proud of, I am claiming it. It’s mine to do things I am unsure of, to learn from mistakes, to do things I know how to do, to take time to find peace and joy in lessons and achievements I learned and earned by trying.

I don’t really know what I am supposed to do with this quiet house and blinking cursor, but here we go.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Amber Leventry

Amber Leventry is a writer and advocate. She lives in Vermont with her partner, the kids, and their attention deprived dog. Her writing appears on The Next Family, Scary Mommy, Sammiches & Psych Meds, Babble, Ravishly, Huffington Post, Longreads, and The Washington Post. She also runs Family Rhetoric by Amber Leventry, a Facebook page devoted to advocating for LGBTQ families one story at a time. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @amberleventry.

To The Mother Who Is Overwhelmed

In: Inspiration, Motherhood
Tired woman with coffee sitting at table

I have this one head. It is a normal sized head. It didn’t get bigger because I had children. Just like I didn’t grow an extra arm with the birth of each child. I mean, while that would be nice, it’s just not the case. We keep our one self. And the children we add on each add on to our weight in this life. And the head didn’t grow more heads because we become a wife to someone. Or a boss to someone. We carry the weight of motherhood. The decisions we must make each day—fight the shorts battle...

Keep Reading

To the Mother of My Son’s Future Wife

In: Grown Children, Inspiration, Kids, Marriage, Motherhood, Relationships
marriage, wife, husband, grown children, www.herviewfromhome.com

To the mother of my son’s future wife, I’m in the midst of dirty diapers and temper tantrums, but I do have days where I think about the future and what it will look like for my son. I wonder who he will be, what he will do and probably most of all, who he will love. I wonder about the type of woman he will bring home to meet us one day. I have my own thoughts on the type of person I wish my son would fall in love with, but we all know that the heart wants...

Keep Reading

Trading Fleeting Moments of Fame for Unshakeable Faith

In: Faith, Inspiration, Relationships
Trading Fleeting Moments of Fame for Unshakeable Faith www.herviewfromhome.com

The string quartet began playing Pachelbel, as my dad and I took our first steps down the aisle. I began to lose my composure as we proceeded to the altar. Hundreds of guests had their eyes on me as tears streamed down my face. Struggling to look my future in the eyes, I looked to the ground for reprieve. God, everything around me looks perfect, so why doesn’t this feel right? I’m not sure how I got here. The flame once dancing inside of me, has extinguished. Lord, I need you. Dad squeezed my hand gently, “Are you OK sweetie?”...

Keep Reading

Children Don’t Get Easier, We Just Get Stronger

In: Inspiration, Mental Health, Motherhood
Children Don't Get Easier, We Just Get Stronger www.herviewfromhome.com

“This too shall pass.” As mothers, we cling to these words as we desperately hope to make it past whichever parenting stage currently holds us in its clutches. In the thick of newborn motherhood, through night wakings, constant nursing and finding our place in an unfamiliar world, we long for a future filled with more sleep and less crying. We can’t imagine any child or time being more difficult than right now. Then, a toddler bursts forth, a tornado of energy destroying everything in his wake. We hold our breath as he tests every possible limit and every inch of...

Keep Reading

This North Dakota Homecoming Queen is Capturing Hearts Everywhere

In: Inspiration, Kids, School, Teen
This North Dakota Homecoming Queen is Capturing Hearts Everywhere www.herviewfromhome.com

When Paula and Kevin Burckard’s third child was born, she arrived with a little something extra the North Dakota couple never saw coming.  Newborn Grace had Down syndrome, and the diagnosis initially left the young parents devastated. “When Grace was born, I thought all my dreams for my daughter had basically been dashed,” Paula said.  But it didn’t take long for those fears to subside.  As Grace grew, not only did she meet and surpass milestones, her infectious joy, inspirational grit, and deep love of all things Michael Jackson transformed the family—and countless hearts. The Burckhards went on to adopt...

Keep Reading

Dear Kids, When I Forget What It’s Like To Be Little

In: Child, Inspiration, Kids, Motherhood
Hey Mom, Don't Forget—You Were a Kid Once, Too www.herviewfromhome.com

The kids were squealing in the backseat. For the five minutes prior they were begging me to spill the beans on where we were going as I had only told them to get their shoes, get in the car and buckle up. It’s one of the ways I’ve learned to make a simple trip out of the house one that is a mysterious adventure to them. As we took left and right turns away from our house, they were trying to guess where we were going . . . and when we finally pulled up to a brand new playground...

Keep Reading

My Children Deserve To See the Whole Me, Not Just the Mom Me

In: Inspiration, Journal, Motherhood
My Children Deserve To See the Whole Me, Not Just the Mom Me www.herviewfromhome.com

Before I was a mother, I was a human being. A human being with life experiences, passions, fears, talents, hobbies, goals, friends and aspirations that I cherished and tried to honor. Even though I went through a variety of seasons of life . . . from school-age days, to working adult, to wife . . . those things always stayed with me. I stayed open to evolving, but never let go of who I inherently was. Then came motherhood. And suddenly I found myself abandoning my commitment to remain true to me, and leaving any semblance of myself in the...

Keep Reading

My Mother-in-Law’s Legacy: Simplicity

In: Inspiration, Journal
My Mother-in-Law's Legacy: Simplicity www.herviewfromhome.com

The memories of my mother-in-law spilled to the forefront of my mind, just as the contents of his jacket pocket fell onto our dresser. It was Proverbs 31, written on hotel stationery, in my neatest block print. Holding the small papers in my hand brought me right back to her graveside, on a hot summer morning, seven years ago. “Her children arise and call her blessed.” (verse 28) As my second daughter gave a mighty kick from the womb, visible to every mourner present that day, I couldn’t help but to allow my mind to wander. Were my values apparent...

Keep Reading

A Car Accident Left My Teenager Paralyzed—and Incredibly Fierce

In: Inspiration, Journal
A Car Accident Left My Teenager Paralyzed—and Incredibly Fierce www.herviewfromhome.com

I drove back from my son’s college concert near midnight. Exhausted, I glanced at my 14-year-old daughter, Beth, asleep in the passenger seat. We were only 10 minutes from home. I thought I could make it until I heard a road sign flatten on concrete. As the car flipped three times across a bare Ohio field, we left behind an ordinary life. I escaped with cuts, bruises, and blood-matted hair. Beth was another story. The car was cut open and a helicopter rushed her to Toledo. A doctor told my husband John that she was paralyzed. When John broke the news...

Keep Reading

Dear Mama, You’re Allowed To Not Be There

In: Inspiration, Motherhood
Dear Mama, You're Allowed To Not Be There www.herviewfromhome.com

Friday afternoon was not much crazier than most afternoons. My husband was mowing the lawn, my daughter was hangry and my youngest son was due to be in a talent show in twenty minutes. I stood in the kitchen—where it seemed like I’d been for an hour—trying to motivate my family to eat dinner and get ready to go. “Get dressed, Jude. Make sure you eat something.” “Dean, do you want a slice of pizza before we leave?” I screamed over the lawn mower. “Maeve, are you going to the optional soccer practice or the talent show? You need to...

Keep Reading