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Things I wish my therapist would say . . . 

Welcome. Sit down, have a tea or a big coffee. The latest studies say caffeine does wonders for your anxiety. Now, tell me everything . . . 

You’re not crazy. But if you are it’s okay, all the best women in history were crazy.

You don’t need medication. But if you do, it’s okayI can get you some right now. You don’t have to call a thousand pharmacies or drive or wait, here it is. It will work right away and has zero side effects. You don’t have to change a thing about your lifestyle or your expectations about what balance in modern motherhood looks like.

RELATED: I Take This Little White Pill

Wow, that stuff your husband said sounds bad. Ugh. You are such an amazing, patient, goddess to even talk to him. Do go on.

In fact, I’d like to extend our session to three hours today so I can hear more of those tiny details your friends are all bored with by now.

Despite his glaring faults, I can see he loves you deeply, just like the main character in The Notebook, and you’re definitely soulmates. I know this is all going to get better soonas soon he does all those things you keep telling him to do.

You have zero work to do on yourself, of course, I can see within five minutes of meeting you that you are practically perfect in every way, like Mary Poppins.

Your extended family, on the other hand, sounds absolutely bonkers. The only action I recommend is to stop talking to those goons immediately. Don’t worry about growing your communication skills or healthy boundaries or working on your own role in those relationships. Cut ’em out and go get a pedicure!

I also recommend considerably less exercise and more wine.

Don’t make time for your friends. They are all humans and so, unfortunately, very flawed. Interact with them only through screens, filters, and 30-second bursts from now on.

Have you tried a new practice called mindlessness? It’s very relaxing, time passes and you hardly notice. I tried it and my kid went from baby to teenager in three breaths. It also helps if you hold your breath for most of your life.

RELATED: Happy People Go to Therapy, Too

Are you getting enough social media time? It’s important to keep up with all the new platforms and forms of distraction because one just isn’t enough. Try at least three. You want to stay relevant, don’t you?

Stop reading completely. Books are boring.

Also, don’t go outside. There are bugs, and the sun is bad for your face.

Thank you for coming, this session will be $500. I do not take insurance.
(Because no therapist is actually perfect.)

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