Dear Daughter,

I always wanted a daughter. After two babies never made it earth-side, I ached and longed and prayed and cried for you. Every dream I had paled in comparison to my dream of you; and then you came. You came quickly like a tornado on a wild night that I will remember for the rest of my life.

What I felt for you was something I’d never felt before. I became a mother to a daughter, and I was born all over again.

A mother to a daughter is different. I know what it’s like to be born in a girl body. I know what it’s like to be a woman raised by a woman. I know what it’s like to feel awkward in my feminine body for the very first time. I know what it’s like to get my period and to like boys. I know what it’s like to think “I’m too much” one day and “not enough” the next day. I know what it’s like to compare sizes in the girls’ bathroom with my friends. I know what it’s like to travel through life as a girl. Our stories aren’t the same, but they overlap and intertwine in the most vulnerable spaces.

Everything in me wants to protect you from how the world will try to crush you. I would cut off my right arm if I thought it could keep the world at bay, and your soul untouched.

I always wanted to figure out all of my issues before I raised you. I wanted to truly and uninhibitedly love the skin I am in. I wanted to never, ever, use the word “fat” to describe myself (even in secret) or have a day when I felt less than worthy. I wanted to have conquered anxiety and depression by now and I wanted to have figured out my mood swings. I wanted to stop being so damn selfish. I wanted to shake it all off and be the “perfect role model” before your precious soul entered the world.

I haven’t done that.

It turns out I’m just one flawed mama doing her very best, and though I’ve gotten more and more free as the years go by.

I’m still a woman who struggles.

And this is what I’ve learned, my love, from being a woman who struggles: it is OK to struggle. We all struggle, and sometimes our weaknesses are the things that bind us together.

I’m a woman who struggles to own her identity, who battles self-doubt, who wrestles with fear, and whose body image is still complicated.

I will never be the “perfect role model”.

But I am a role model who tries. I’m a role model who believes I am worth fighting for, so I hope you believe you’re worth fighting for, too.

I’m a role model who is safe for you to struggle around, fail around, and fall apart around. Please know that I will never judge your mess; it’s OK, I’ve made lots and lots of messes.

I’m a role model who believes with ridiculous faith that the best in yet to come.

I’m a role model who apologizes often and wants to stay connected to your heart no matter what.

I look at you now with your deep brown eyes and your laugh that comes from the depths of your soul. Your laughter shakes your whole body; I love that about you.

I’d be lying if I say I didn’t have the urge to pull you tight under my wing and keep you hidden there forever, but I won’t. You have endless empty pages ahead of you that you get to fill exactly as you see fit. I will be your partner, your cheerleader, and your friend every step of the way.

As the words flow from my heart onto this page, I want you to know this: there is nothing you could ever do to push me away from you. Not ever. There’s no decision you could decide, no mistake you could make, no person you could love, no failure you could fail that could ever make me stop loving you. Nothing. Not ever.

I make mistakes and I fail every single day of raising you; but my girl, I adore you. I adore you in a way I could never quite describe. I adore your fire and your passion. I adore your sweetness and your creativity. I adore everything about you.

My girl, you aren’t just beautiful; you are beauty.

You are magic.

You were and are more than I ever could have wished or dreamed for.

I love you.

Your mama

 

This article originally appeared on Wonderoak

 

You may also like:

My Darling Daughter, I Am With You

A Good Dad Will Love His Daughter

My Dear Daughters, This Is How You Should Be Treated—Love, Dad

Want more stories of love, family, and faith from the heart of every home, delivered straight to you? Sign up here! 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Jessica Johnston

Jessica Johnston is a writer and mom of four kids. She is an avid coffee drinker, risk taker, and TMI sharer. She is a firm believer in keeping it real and believes our imperfections bring us together. She writes at https://wonderoak.com/. You can follow her there, on Facebook, and on Instagram.

Your Youngest Child Will Always Be Your Baby

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood

The baby of our family is no longer a baby.  She turned five this year. She talks a mile a minute, rides her scooter on one leg with no hands, and is learning to read. She’s sweet and creative and has the best sense of humor that makes me belly laugh daily. She has long, strong legs, and her round toddler cheeks have morphed into something more mature. All remnants of babyhood and toddlerhood have long since gone from her. She is all little girl—a kid with the world at her fingertips, ready to explore everything life has to offer. I watch in wonder...

Keep Reading

I’m a Helicopter Mom Learning to Become the Place They Can Land

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood
Mother and child

My daughter places a paper in front of me on the kitchen counter, looking up at me expectedly. My eyebrows lift in question before reaching down to pick up the wrinkled sheet. Next to an empty line awaiting my check mark reads: My child has my permission to attend the field trip. The child is my kindergartener. The field trip is on a school bus. The school bus will travel into the city. Over an hour away. Without me. Two steps to my left sits a pink and yellow backpack. Next to it, a sequined lunchbox. The lunchbox is making...

Keep Reading

Six Feels So Much Bigger

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood
Little girl with horse, color photo

Six . . . Six is only one number more than five,  one grade, one year . . . but it feels so different. Five is baby teeth and new beginnings. Five is venturing out into the world, maybe making a friend. Meeting a teacher. Learning to ride a bike. Six took my breath away. Six looks like a loose front tooth—tiny and wiggly, soon to be replaced by a big tooth, one that will stay forever. Six looks like a bright purple bike zooming down the driveway. RELATED: When There Are No More Little Girls’ Clothes Six looks like playing...

Keep Reading

You Were Meant to Be Our Oldest

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood
Brother holding little sister on back

Dear oldest child, Thanks for taking one for the team. You’ve probably thought by now that Dad and I really have no idea what we are doing. You’re not wrong. Please don’t misunderstand, we have goals and ambitions as parents. We’re trying to raise you to be a healthy, positive, and contributing part of society. But you are—and have always been—our guinea pig. You are the test subject to this whole parenting thing. Each new phase you encounter brings another new phase of learning and growth. Unfortunately, with that comes growing pains, and you often take the brunt of those....

Keep Reading

The Bittersweet Reality of Your Baby Turning 5 Years Old

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood
Little girl lying on living room floor, color photo

Those first five. Those precious first five years have flown by. I blinked and here we are. I look back and think about all the times I wanted these days to go by faster. The times I couldn’t wait to get to bedtime. The days I wasted being irritable and angry because sometimes being a mom is just too hard. But now? Now, I wish I could have slowed it all down. Savored it a little longer. A little harder. That beautiful wild child who fought like hell from the moment she was born has been burning that fire ever...

Keep Reading

The Petrified-Squished-Spider Stage of Motherhood

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood, Tween
Bug squashed on windshield, color photo

There is a squished spider corpse dangling from the inside of my car windshield. I don’t know how long it has been there. Not because I don’t know when the time of death took place, but because I’ve lost track of the number of days it’s been a fellow passenger of ours. The burial service is past due. And a cleaning of my vehicle is so long overdue, if it were a library book I’d be banned from the library by now. When my husband removed his hat one evening while driving and used it as a spider swatter, he...

Keep Reading

Listen to Their Endless Chatter Now So They’ll Talk to You as Tweens and Teens

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood, Tween
Mother and young daughter talking on the couch

I’m a talker. I’m a spill-the-beans, over-sharing, rambling on about my latest fascination chatterbox. I love words, and so do my kids. I’ve spent over a decade listening to my kids share—often, as they all talk at once. They go on and on about their day, rambling about how their sibling has been driving them nuts, their shenanigans with their friends, and never-ending factoids about video games. So many words, so many significant and yet simple thoughts brought to life in our bustling conversations.  Sometimes I love all the chatter, and sometimes the sheer volume of it drives me to...

Keep Reading

Dear Kindergarten Graduate, My Hand Will Always Be Yours to Hold

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood

Tomorrow you’ll graduate kindergarten. You chose the perfect shirt for the occasion. It’s a blue and white button-up. “Get one with big checkers, Mom, not little ones,” was your request. I know it’ll make your eyes pop from under your too-big red graduation hat. It’s going to be adorable. You’re going to be adorable.  You’ve been counting down the days. You’re ready and, truthfully, I am too—even though I’m so often in denial about how quickly this time with you is passing. Didn’t you just start crawling? How is it possible you’ll already be in first grade next year? RELATED:...

Keep Reading

You Were Made to Be My Oldest

In: Child
Mom and three kids

You are my firstborn. My big. The one who made me a mama. The one who started this whole crazy, beautiful roller coaster ride the day I found out you were on your way. I remember tip-toeing to the bathroom before the sun rose and taking a pregnancy test. The flutter of excitement in my heart turned into a flutter in my growing tummy within just a few short months. And now here you are, seven years old and more incredible than I imagined in all my wildest dreams. You amaze me every single day with your humor, kindness, and...

Keep Reading

I’m a Kindergarten Mom at the Bottom of the Hill

In: Child, Kids, Motherhood
Boy holding hands with his mother, color photo

The local elementary school is perched atop an obnoxious hill. It is customary for kindergarten parents to walk their children to the top of the hill as the rest of the grades, first through fifth, having earned their badge of capability and courage, walk alone. Car line is off-limits for kindergartners, which means it’s a walk in whatever weather, whenever school is in session type of vibe. My oldest misses car line. I miss it as well. It’s so simple, convenient, and most importantly, warm and waterproof. But my youngest is a kindergartner, so for the last several months we’ve...

Keep Reading