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To my dearest sons,

Tonight as it was nearing bedtime, I couldn’t wait for you to go to sleep. I was desperate for time to myself. To think. To breathe. To rest. As you wanted one last kiss and hug, I really just wanted to walk out. Now as I gaze at your sleeping faces, all I want to do is crawl in next to you. Hold your little bodies close to mine. For when you wake in the morning, you will be a little older and a little bigger.

I know these past 3 months have been so confusing and painful. You don’t understand why Daddy no longer lives with us and we moved to a new home. You don’t know why Mommy is so sad all the time. You find me crying. I try not to let you see. I smile at you so you know that everything is going to be OK. At 4 and 2, your whole world is changing. I try to hold it all together for you, yet I know I am failing. Soon, Mommy will have to go back to work and you will go to daycare. It will seem as though I am leaving you just as Daddy left you. Oh how I wish I didn’t have to go back to work. I am already crying over it.

My children, I love you. More than you will ever know. I prayed for you. I formed you inside my body. When I look at you, I see my heart walking and talking. The most important part of me is you. When I carried you, I had such wonderful dreams and plans for you. Childhood full of light, laughter, and love. A home. A family. Yes, you still have them. But they are different. Two homes. Two families. The same love. I wanted your innocence to last as long as I could. However, you are now seeing life differently. You are finding out too young that the life is unfair. You both are involved in a divorce that is not yours. You are the innocent party, yet it affects you the most. Oh how I wish I could take it all away. I would bear the burden and pain so you don’t have to.

I never wanted this for you. Ever. I never thought I would have to be both mother and father to you. The fear I will fail you strangles me. One day you may hate me for what has happened to you. But I hope you see that I loved your father. I loved him so much that I made both of you, that my love couldn’t be contained just to him. I needed you so I could love him more. My heart aches for the pain it causes you. I am broken now. I won’t always be. You are healing me with your amazing love and forgiveness. Your forgiveness of me makes me a better mother and person. Please forgive me when I am not able to give you everything you deserve.

My sons, I have so many wants and dreams for you still. I want you to know God and His son, Jesus. I want you to have kindness and love always in your heart. I want you to know what hard work is. I want you to know that family is the most important part of life. I want you to be whatever you want to be and I will support you. I want to give you everything in this world and that might include hard and painful lessons. I want you to know I am so very sorry this is happening to you. I want you to know that you are loved. So very, very loved.

 

Always with love,

Mommy

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Katie Weber

Me. My two little men. My second change. Motherhood. Depression. Divorce. Love. God. laugher. Friendship. My lovely. It's all right here. Follow along for more at Lovely in the Dark. 

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