To my dearest sons,

Tonight as it was nearing bedtime, I couldn’t wait for you to go to sleep. I was desperate for time to myself. To think. To breathe. To rest. As you wanted one last kiss and hug, I really just wanted to walk out. Now as I gaze at your sleeping faces, all I want to do is crawl in next to you. Hold your little bodies close to mine. For when you wake in the morning, you will be a little older and a little bigger.

I know these past 3 months have been so confusing and painful. You don’t understand why Daddy no longer lives with us and we moved to a new home. You don’t know why Mommy is so sad all the time. You find me crying. I try not to let you see. I smile at you so you know that everything is going to be OK. At 4 and 2, your whole world is changing. I try to hold it all together for you, yet I know I am failing. Soon, Mommy will have to go back to work and you will go to daycare. It will seem as though I am leaving you just as Daddy left you. Oh how I wish I didn’t have to go back to work. I am already crying over it.

My children, I love you. More than you will ever know. I prayed for you. I formed you inside my body. When I look at you, I see my heart walking and talking. The most important part of me is you. When I carried you, I had such wonderful dreams and plans for you. Childhood full of light, laughter, and love. A home. A family. Yes, you still have them. But they are different. Two homes. Two families. The same love. I wanted your innocence to last as long as I could. However, you are now seeing life differently. You are finding out too young that the life is unfair. You both are involved in a divorce that is not yours. You are the innocent party, yet it affects you the most. Oh how I wish I could take it all away. I would bear the burden and pain so you don’t have to.

I never wanted this for you. Ever. I never thought I would have to be both mother and father to you. The fear I will fail you strangles me. One day you may hate me for what has happened to you. But I hope you see that I loved your father. I loved him so much that I made both of you, that my love couldn’t be contained just to him. I needed you so I could love him more. My heart aches for the pain it causes you. I am broken now. I won’t always be. You are healing me with your amazing love and forgiveness. Your forgiveness of me makes me a better mother and person. Please forgive me when I am not able to give you everything you deserve.

My sons, I have so many wants and dreams for you still. I want you to know God and His son, Jesus. I want you to have kindness and love always in your heart. I want you to know what hard work is. I want you to know that family is the most important part of life. I want you to be whatever you want to be and I will support you. I want to give you everything in this world and that might include hard and painful lessons. I want you to know I am so very sorry this is happening to you. I want you to know that you are loved. So very, very loved.

 

Always with love,

Mommy

Katie Weber

A momma of 2 young boys whose days are filled with wrestling, running, and noise. A Nebraska native with a love of coffee, the Lord, music, a good romance novel, movies, and dessert. Just trying to figure out single motherhood, to navigate divorce and co-parenting, to live and thrive with depression and anxiety, all the while finding the lovely in this life. Follow along for more at Lovely in the Dark.