Trigger warning: This post discusses abortion
To my darling little one,
I was 15 years old at the time. I was in love with your dad, and we thought we were invincible. We were so happy and carefree while stressing out about high school. Then, one day, I kept getting sick. I was so sick the doctors wanted to do an MRI to see if I had an obstruction or anything in my stomach, but then they told your nana to take me to the OB/GYN because they saw you in the picture.
I was confused and scared. But when the doctor came in to ask if I thought I was pregnant, I started to put two and two together. I didn’t want to say anything out loud because your nana was right there, so I took the pregnancy test. The test results, as you can imagine, were positive and I filled up with happiness that I could carry a child, but at the same time, I felt like I disappointed your Nana.
I felt like I disappointed the whole family because I was 15 years old, but my gosh was I excited and I was so excited to tell your dad. Your nana was livid that I got into that situation. However, I didn’t really listen because I was still excited, shocked, and was feeling every feeling in the book. On that faithful day, your nana took me to Subway to get a sandwich, and that is where I told your aunt about you. She was so excited when she heard, but she knew what was coming although I didn’t.
We finally got back home and your dad was waiting for me. I told him the news and his face went white. He was so excited, but scared, anxious, and nervous about the whole thing.
I was too, but then your Nana and Pawpaw came in they asked us if we had decided what to do with you.
We told them we would like to keep you, but they said our decision was not going to come to fruition. We asked about adoption and that since we were unable to keep the baby, then maybe we could give a family a child they could not have themselves. It broke my heart to say that, but I knew that if I could help another couple, then I would. I was against abortion. But again, that was not a choice either. That was when they gave us an ultimatum.
They said both of us were too young to go through these experiences, so it was either we get an abortion or we get out of the house. Your dad and I were so shocked by this, but we knew we had to have that discussion with each other. We cried and cried thinking about losing you and what it would do to our relationship, but we had nowhere to go. We made the decision to go with your grandparent’s decision. It was so hard.
My heart shattered into a million pieces because you were my first. I wanted to keep you and watch you grow up so badly.
I didn’t care if I was going to be labeled as a “teenage pregnancy” or a “slut.” I wanted you, and I wanted you to live. I was so excited, but when that decision was made for me, I was angry, depressed, hurt, and nervous. I have never been so scared and nervous in all of my life. I remember just crying my eyes out all the time when I was by myself because I didn’t want it to happen. I knew it was going to, but it didn’t make anything easier for me.
The next morning, your dad picked me up to go to school. We listened to a song, and it brought me to tears. It was a metal band, your dad’s favorite. It is still hard for me to hear the song, but on that day, you loved that song. You started to move around in mommy’s tummy like crazy and your dad got to feel you for the first time. Your dad was also in tears. Then we got to school and acted like everything was normal. I couldn’t get through the day because I was so worried about you, and I just wanted to hold you.
I knew what was coming and so I just kept my arm around my stomach pretending to hold you. I couldn’t get my thoughts together because I was so nervous to have that operation done. I was just so worried about you, about me, and about everyone.
I was not OK.
When your dad and I would go somewhere, your dad would be rubbing my stomach and trying to feel you. My heart melted because I knew he was going to be a great father someday.
After a week or so, the operation was scheduled and before I knew it, your grandparents and I were on our way to the abortion clinic. We ate lunch first, which was nice, but I was having major anxiety about the whole thing. After lunch, we went to the clinic. There was a group outside protesting abortions. I felt their anger and sadness because I didn’t want to have one, but I knew I had to.
We got checked in and sat down where we waited and waited. Then, the technician called my name. I went back with her where they did an ultrasound. It was the first time seeing you and I was so happy I could see you. I got to hear your heartbeat and you were so strong.
Next, they led me into a white room. They had me undress and lay back on the table. All I can remember now is the technician putting the drug in me so I didn’t feel anything.
Then, the doctor came in and said hi. He asked me if this is what I wanted, and I said yes. I mean I didn’t want to, but I had to. He went on to say I was not the only teenager he had seen and he was sorry. He walked me through what was going to happen and asked if I had any questions. I didn’t have any because the drugs were setting in at this point.
The next thing I remember is the vacuum sound coming on, and it was so loud. I remember closing my eyes and felt the pressure of something being sucked out of me.
It was you, but I think the doctor also sucked out my soul, a major piece of my heart, and a major part of myself.
After that, I was pretty out of it because I woke up in a chair, the chairs were in a circle and there were other women in there. The women were older, but still we were all in the same situation. I also remember the guilt I was feeling afterward. I felt guilty, ashamed, and severely depressed. The next thing I knew I was in the car and on our way home. Your dad came over, and I was in tears and going in and out of sleep.
The following days, months, and even years have been the hardest on me. I have never been myself again after that day. I kept everything hidden. I kept my mental issues hidden. I was scared to say or do anything. I was filled with so much depression and anxiety because I just lost you. I lost the most precious thing to me. All I can say is I was never the same. I couldn’t trust anyone anymore. I know you probably had questions on why we had to let you go. Why you? I was thinking that myself and was wondering, why me?
In the following months, as you probably saw, your father broke up with me again. I felt so alone. I was not OK. This was going on for years.
But, now that I am older, I understand why your grandparents were so adamant about that decision. Your dad and I were so young and didn’t know what we were getting into. I was still angry with them, but I knew why they did it. I appreciate them now for looking out for me, but I still can’t get over the fact you are not here with me and your dad.
But let me tell you, my darling baby, that either way, you would have been so loved, and you were so wanted by your dad and me.
Even though we were young, we wanted you to live and we wanted to see you. I want to let you know I always think about you and about who you would have been. You were supposed to be born around Mother’s Day, and you would have been about 14 years old by now. I miss you little one.
The days are a little easier now that mommy is going through therapy of her own to deal with the trauma. But just know, you were wanted. Your dad and I are still together to this day, married, and we have your younger sister here with us. She is a handful of personality. I so wish I could have seen you together. I wish I could see all of my children as you have a sibling with you. It was confirmed by a doctor, but I just haven’t shared it with anyone. I usually don’t share my trauma with anyone but your dad, but I need to speak.
I need to write this for you and your sibling.
I am trying to get myself back together and to be myself again. I am slowly putting the pieces back together. I know you probably wanted mommy to do that for years, but I just wasn’t strong enough. I hope you are safe, happy, and looking down on us. I hope you are smiling at your sister, your mom, and your dad. We miss you my firstborn, my first baby, the one who made me a mom. I hope to see you again!