Dear broken momma,

I see you. I’ve been you.

Perhaps you had your world tainted as a child, like mine was. Perhaps you lead a promiscuous teenage life seeking love to fill the voids with your heart in the arms of boys, like I did. Perhaps you clung tight to the promise that if you just held onto to your virginity that there would be fireworks on your wedding night, but instead it was fizzling smoke.

Is my body broken? Why can’t I feel? Why I can’t I enjoy?

No matter how you ended up here, feeling like your body is broken and not enjoying your sex life with your husband, know that you by far are not alone. In a recent survey, 62 percent of women are not satisfied. That’s more than half of us! 

There’s so much more to sex though, you know that. It isn’t just the physical for us women, it’s mental and emotional, too. I dealt with sexual trauma and a deep self-inflicted shame, so much so that I couldn’t embrace the sexual part of me once it was “OK” to part take in.

Sexuality equaled bad.

Just as damaging as my view of sex was how I couldn’t separate the many parts of me as a woman. How do I take off the mom hat at the end of the day and enter our marriage bedroom as the sultry woman my husband craves and I wish I could be?

It was the biggest issue in our marriage. It was the fight constantly circling and we could never fully resolve. He wanted passion, I wanted to heal—and to be left alone at the end of the day.

The good news is God is in the business of healing broken things. I can say from the other side of my brokenness and shame that I am healed. And y’all, it’s amazing over here on the other side of redemption!

For the first time in my 10 years of marriage, sex isn’t just a duty to my husband. It isn’t a dreaded box to check off simply to make him feel loved and in a good mood. No, now it serves us both in that way. I never imagined sex would become something I need to feel happy, relaxed, and closer to my husband emotionally, too. But it has.

So, momma, I’m here to tell you that this redemption is possible for you. It won’t always be easy. It may not be a fast track to freedom and pleasure, but keep praying. Keep moving forward. The enemy doesn’t want you to be freed from the jail cell you’ve kept yourself in for too long, despite having Christ’s blood washing you clean and the door opened long ago.

I know, I’ve been there. I’ve literally felt those repressive chains weighing on anxiety-filled chest, holding me back so I couldn’t fully become one with the husband God created for me. The enemy laughs when he finds a way to divide what God has brought together.

But you don’t have to have those chains anymore. Take them off. Step out into freedom, one step at a time.

Heal your past hurts. Go to counseling. Work through any sin put upon you, or sin you’ve chosen. Forgive others. Forgive yourself. The book Breaking Eve’s Curse by Frank Hultgren was immensely helpful for this aspect.

Learn what God has to say about sex. Read verses that reveal God’s design. Learn about God’s design for your body. Did you know the clitoris has absolutely no other use than pleasure? Why would God make that part of us if He didn’t intend for us to use it? (Definitely learn how to use it! It makes all the difference.)

Tell yourself this: God made sex. God made it! It isn’t gross. It isn’t unclean. It isn’t embarrassing or shameful.

It is His gift to us in marriage.

Listen to what professionals have to say on the topic of Christianity and Sex. I highly suggest listening to this Focus on the Family’s Podcast Part I and Part II with your spouse. It’ll open your eyes to a new perspective. Read The Gift of Sex by Cliff and Joyce Penner to retrain your thoughts and learn physical facts with a Biblical perspective. It has assignments! Work on this area together as one, it’ll grow you closer in every way.

Most importantly, pray. Pray to the God who made you and knows your hurts far more deeply than even you do. He knows how to heal them and He will guide you. Pray for the passion that both you and your husband desire. Pray for the fun to return. Pray for the strength to be vulnerable and to let your guard down to feel loved in new ways.

Momma, you aren’t broken. This piece of you is simply sleeping, don’t give up. Awaken her with God’s help.

Love Always,
An awakened momma

Momma, you aren’t broken. This piece of you is simply sleeping, don’t give up. Awaken her with God’s help.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Leah Outten

Leah hails from the friendly south, has an addiction to cute coffee mugs, a proud birth mom, and is a mom to 5. Her passion for writing blooms from her experiences in life where God has taught her things to pass along to others—especially in open adoption, natural birth, and encouragement in the trenches of motherhood. Read more at The Grace Bond and on Facebook.

God Has You

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman hugging herself while looking to the side

Holding tight to the cold, sterile rail of the narrow, rollaway ER bed, I hovered helplessly over my oldest daughter. My anxious eyes bounced from her now steadying breaths to the varying lines and tones of the monitor overhead. Audible reminders of her life that may have just been spared. For 14 years, we’d been told anaphylaxis was possible if she ingested peanuts. But it wasn’t until this recent late autumn evening we would experience the fear and frenzy of our apparent new reality. My frantic heart hadn’t stopped racing from the very moment she struggled to catch a breath....

Keep Reading

My Husband Having a Stroke at 30 Wasn’t in Our Plans

In: Faith, Living
Husband and wife, selfie, color photo

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV) This verse in the book of Jeremiah has long been a favorite of mine. In fact, it’s felt relevant across many life events. Its simple, yet powerful reminder has been a place of solace, perhaps even a way to maintain equilibrium when I’ve felt my world spinning a bit out of control. In this season of starting fresh and new year intentions, I find great comfort in knowing...

Keep Reading

She Left Him on Valentine’s Day

In: Faith, Marriage
Husband kissing wife on cheek, color photo

“Can you believe that?” Those were the dreaded knife-cutting whispers I heard from across the table. I sunk deeper into my chair. My hopes fell as everyone would forever remember that I had left my fiancée on Valentine’s Day. Maybe one day it would just dissipate like the dream wedding I had planned or the canceled plane tickets for the Hawaiian honeymoon. Some bridesmaids and guests had already booked plane tickets. It was my own nightmare that kept replaying in my head over and over again. I had messed up. Big time. To be honest, if it made any difference,...

Keep Reading

God was In the Room for Our Daughter’s Open Heart Surgery

In: Faith, Motherhood
Child's hand with IV

I’ve had a strong faith for as long as I can remember, but I always felt bad that I never had a “testimony.” I had never gone through something that made me sit back and say, “Wow, God is real, He is here.” I have always felt it to my core, but no moment had ever stopped me dead in my tracks to where there was no denying that it was God. And then, that moment happened to me on December 5. After five months of fervently praying for a miracle for our daughter, the day came for her heart...

Keep Reading

A Benediction for the Worn Out Mother

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman leaning against kitchen counter, black-and-white photo

Blessed are you, Father, for bestowing upon me the honor of motherhood. For allowing me to experience the deep joy of bringing forth life—a joy I often take for granted and instead choose to begrudge. My children’s cries and demands have worn me down. I do not recognize myself. I selfishly long for the old me. My thoughts are an intangible mess of never-ending tasks, self-criticism, and comparison to those around me. RELATED: God Sees You, Weary Mama But Your word says you are near to the broken-hearted and downtrodden. You do not forget the cause of the tired and the...

Keep Reading

God Doesn’t Forget You When You’re Lost and Unsure

In: Faith, Living
Woman looking into camera, color photo

I’ve been wandering around feeling lost for over a year. Wondering where I’m going, what I’m supposed to be doing. Nothing seems to make sense. I felt purposeless. I felt stuck. I questioned everything: my faith, my marriage, my career—if it could be questioned, I doubted it. And I was completely clueless how to fix the funk. For over a year, I’ve been in the wilderness. I’ve wanted to find my way, but every path seemed like another dead end. The wilderness. I’ve been residing there. Not feeling fed. Not feeling heard. Not feeling seen. Struggling to find a purpose....

Keep Reading

And Then, the Darkness Lifts

In: Faith, Motherhood
Mother with baby smiling

Today when I woke, it had lifted, like sunshine peeking after rain. And as my toddler clicked on the lamp beside my bed to see her mama, I saw me too. I got out of bed and I walked down the hall. And the coffee pot sat there waiting for me, as always, like my husband at the kitchen table with his books. He smiled at me, and I think he could tell as I took my medicine, took down a mug, and poured my coffee. I opened the secretary desk and pulled out the chair and my Bible, like...

Keep Reading

Joy in This Stillness

In: Faith, Motherhood
Mother holding sleeping toddler, color photo

I woke up suddenly in a sweat while it was still dark. Except for the humming of the oxygen machine, the house was silent. For a moment, I thought I might have time to enjoy a cup of coffee before my son woke up. However, a glance at my daughter’s crib told me that feeding my caffeine addiction would have to wait. My daughter has a terminal brain disorder called Lissencephaly, a side effect of which is uncontrolled epilepsy. Many mornings, a subconscious recognition that she is having episodes of repeated seizures rouses me from my sleep. Throwing on a...

Keep Reading

Sometimes All We Can Do Is Say How Hard Motherhood Is

In: Faith, Motherhood
Tired mom with baby in foreground

I have been sitting in the peace and quiet of the office to do some long overdue Bible study for all of five minutes when the baby wakes up. With a heavy sigh that is becoming all too common, I go to the bedroom to pick up my fussy, probably getting sick, 8-month-old daughter who has been asleep for approximately 15 minutes. I bring her to the office and put her on the floor with some new books and toys. Sitting back down in front of my own new book of Bible maps and charts, I begin reading once again....

Keep Reading

Sometimes I Want to Skip This Part

In: Faith, Living
Husband and wife sitting on swing, color photo

Kelly Clarkson’s new album Chemistry is about the arch of her relationship with her husband and their divorce. The first song on the album is called “skip this part.” It begins with her asking if she can skip the heartbreak. She begs to jump over the deep pain that came with her divorce. The song is haunting and beautiful and says things like, “my heart can’t forget the ache before the mend.” She is honest and vulnerable, admitting she is not sure if she has the strength to get through the pain. She just wants it all to be over, for...

Keep Reading