To the Tired Mother Who Feels Broken in the Marriage Bedroom

Dear broken momma,

I see you. I’ve been you.

Perhaps you had your world tainted as a child, like mine was. Perhaps you lead a promiscuous teenage life seeking love to fill the voids with your heart in the arms of boys, like I did. Perhaps you clung tight to the promise that if you just held onto to your virginity that there would be fireworks on your wedding night, but instead it was fizzling smoke.

Is my body broken? Why can’t I feel? Why I can’t I enjoy?

No matter how you ended up here, feeling like your body is broken and not enjoying your sex life with your husband, know that you by far are not alone. In a recent survey, 62 percent of women are not satisfied. That’s more than half of us! 

There’s so much more to sex though, you know that. It isn’t just the physical for us women, it’s mental and emotional, too. I dealt with sexual trauma and a deep self-inflicted shame, so much so that I couldn’t embrace the sexual part of me once it was “OK” to part take in.

Sexuality equaled bad.

Just as damaging as my view of sex was how I couldn’t separate the many parts of me as a woman. How do I take off the mom hat at the end of the day and enter our marriage bedroom as the sultry woman my husband craves and I wish I could be?

It was the biggest issue in our marriage. It was the fight constantly circling and we could never fully resolve. He wanted passion, I wanted to heal—and to be left alone at the end of the day.

The good news is God is in the business of healing broken things. I can say from the other side of my brokenness and shame that I am healed. And y’all, it’s amazing over here on the other side of redemption!

For the first time in my 10 years of marriage, sex isn’t just a duty to my husband. It isn’t a dreaded box to check off simply to make him feel loved and in a good mood. No, now it serves us both in that way. I never imagined sex would become something I need to feel happy, relaxed, and closer to my husband emotionally, too. But it has.

So, momma, I’m here to tell you that this redemption is possible for you. It won’t always be easy. It may not be a fast track to freedom and pleasure, but keep praying. Keep moving forward. The enemy doesn’t want you to be freed from the jail cell you’ve kept yourself in for too long, despite having Christ’s blood washing you clean and the door opened long ago.

I know, I’ve been there. I’ve literally felt those repressive chains weighing on anxiety-filled chest, holding me back so I couldn’t fully become one with the husband God created for me. The enemy laughs when he finds a way to divide what God has brought together.

But you don’t have to have those chains anymore. Take them off. Step out into freedom, one step at a time.

Heal your past hurts. Go to counseling. Work through any sin put upon you, or sin you’ve chosen. Forgive others. Forgive yourself. The book Breaking Eve’s Curse by Frank Hultgren was immensely helpful for this aspect.

Learn what God has to say about sex. Read verses that reveal God’s design. Learn about God’s design for your body. Did you know the clitoris has absolutely no other use than pleasure? Why would God make that part of us if He didn’t intend for us to use it? (Definitely learn how to use it! It makes all the difference.)

Tell yourself this: God made sex. God made it! It isn’t gross. It isn’t unclean. It isn’t embarrassing or shameful.

It is His gift to us in marriage.

Listen to what professionals have to say on the topic of Christianity and Sex. I highly suggest listening to this Focus on the Family’s Podcast Part I and Part II with your spouse. It’ll open your eyes to a new perspective. Read The Gift of Sex by Cliff and Joyce Penner to retrain your thoughts and learn physical facts with a Biblical perspective. It has assignments! Work on this area together as one, it’ll grow you closer in every way.

Most importantly, pray. Pray to the God who made you and knows your hurts far more deeply than even you do. He knows how to heal them and He will guide you. Pray for the passion that both you and your husband desire. Pray for the fun to return. Pray for the strength to be vulnerable and to let your guard down to feel loved in new ways.

Momma, you aren’t broken. This piece of you is simply sleeping, don’t give up. Awaken her with God’s help.

Love Always,
An awakened momma

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Articles by Leah Outten

Leah Outten

Leah hails from the friendly south, has an addiction to cute coffee mugs, a proud birth mom, and is a mom to 5. Her passion for writing blooms from her experiences in life where God has taught her things to pass along to others—especially in open adoption, natural birth, and encouragement in the trenches of motherhood. Read more at The Grace Bond and on Facebook.

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