We don’t say the word fat in our home. There are lots of good reasons and I’ve come to write them down over and over again, but now it’s time. As my children get older I want them to know how perfect they are no matter what.
I was always a note taker. I did better when I wrote things down. I remember post it notes being stuck behind my bed as a freshman in college. Notes that read: “do not eat for at least seven days!!” There were all kinds of notes, but they all had the same subject: don’t eat! Maybe that’s why as an adult, I no longer write myself notes.
I had an eating disorder. I was never large or even chubby really, unless you count those awkward junior high years. But something in my mind just flipped when I was 19 years old. I wasn’t in a very healthy relationship, but you can’t always blame someone, right? My mind told me I had to be as skinny as possible.
I remember people being shocked that I had lost so much weight and just seemed to always keep it off. I was supposed to be happy because I was ridiculously skinny, but I was an empty shell of a human being. I had no energy, no life outside of an eating disorder, and really no will.
Gosh, even as I read these words back to myself, it makes me so very sad. I hit my breaking point when I dropped to 90 pounds. I couldn’t live life hating myself. It has taken a long time and a lot of struggle to get rid of the rotten demons of an eating disorder.
Now today, I hope that the sweet girl who just can’t get skinny enough will read this and know that being skinny isn’t worth it. Being healthy, strong and capable are the best feelings in the world. And to my own kids, when you ask me why I’m exercising and I tell you: “to be strong,” know that mama really means that. I love being your mom and I would do anything to make sure you don’t go through the self-hate that I once did. But, also know we won’t be using the “F” word in our home. We can think of better adjectives!