Shop the fall collection ➔

If you’ve lived through the toddler years, you know it’s no stroll through the park. Living with toddlers is like getting a sharp stick in the eye and a bikini wax at the same time. Toddlers are good at what they do, despite their lack of real world experience. The following list is a code that any good toddler tries their best to abide by:

  1. Thou shall not eat thy food. If you get lucky, you’ll breed a child that will try any kind of food under the sun. However, if you are in the 90th percentile of most parents, your kid will be disgusted by most foods (especially anything green). In a situation where they are starving, you will find that after about 2 ½ bites they will be completely full. For about 7 minutes.
  2. Thou shall not sleep past 6:15 a.m. It doesn’t matter if it’s a Monday or Sunday, toddlers will be up before the sun rises if they can help it. But rest assured, they’re very thoughtful creatures, so they will make sure to wake you up as well. Isn’t that sweet of them?
  3. Thou shall obey the teachings of Caillou. Anyone who has seen Caillou knows that kid is a little punk. A whiny, annoying, turd of a child. If your toddler sees him on TV, he will start to act and emulate this behavior. They will become little followers of this bald headed little child.
  4. Thou shall never be consistent. Toddlers are infamous for their erratic behavior. One day they will proclaim their love for Triscuits. You will go to Costco and buy 2 gigantic boxes of said crackers. Upon seeing them, your toddler will writhe in unrest because he HATES Triscuits now. Just when you think they have them figured out, BOOM.
  5. Thou shall always throw a tantrum at the most inopportune time. If you weren’t already aware, toddlers enjoy the sound of their shrieking voice. They especially enjoy throwing temper tantrums in the following situations:
  • While you are on the phone
  • In the car (during long road trips are preferred)
  • In the checkout line
  • During a social gathering (after you just finished bragging about how well behaved they are)
  1. Thou shall never pick up thy toys. Like, never, ever, ever, pick them up. Get used to walking hunched over because you will constantly be picking things up off the floor.
  2. Thou shall poop everywhere except thy toilet. The potty training stage of toddler-hood is no joke. I mean, it seems like common sense to poop in a big white bowl, right? Not so much. However, there are many other places they enjoy pooping, such as: behind the couch, in their underwear, in the tub, on the kitchen floor, on the slide at school…the list goes on and on.
  3. Thou shall never perform a task quickly. An interesting thing about toddlers is that most of the time they are constantly going non-stop. However, any time you need to be somewhere or need to leave the house, they will move at a snail’s pace. I’m talking freakishly slow. And if you try to help them speed up the process, they will need to start the task over from square one.
  4. Thou shall have no inside voice. Toddlers have no happy medium when it comes to their vocal chords. It’s an ON/OFF switch, (and OFF only happens if they are sleeping, or watching the bald headed child as referred to in #3). I recommend ear-plugs and wine for your sanity.
  5. Thou shall maintain the balance of naughty/adorable child. This is the most important commandment for toddlers. It allows them to be irrational, dramatic, and crazy little humans, all while being sweet and adorable enough so that you don’t get rid of them. This is a skill that is mastered over time, but when used correctly, is 100% effective.

If you haven’t had the joy of experiencing a toddler already, I hope this article gives you fair warning into their behavior. Kudos to you, if you have already had the luxury of experiencing everything on this list. You deserve a glass of wine and a Netflix binge. Cheers!

Cassie Hilt

Cassie is a working mother of two small kiddos. She works on maintaining the delicate balance of work/mommy/wife life, and making sure she doesn’t run out of wine before payday. She enjoys writing in her free time and chronicling the adventures of being a mom. You can follow her on Facebook, https://www.facebook.com/thechroniclesofmotherhood Twitter, https://twitter.com/ChronOfMom and Instagram, https://www.instagram.com/the_chronicles_of_motherhood/ and visit her website http://www.cassiehilt.com/

Welcome to Periods in Your 30s and 40s

In: Health, Humor
Welcome to Periods in Your 30s and 40s www.herviewfromhome.com

Do you remember that day in the fifth grade when the boys and girls were separated for the “Sexuality and Development” talk? Some nice old lady health teacher came into your room and gave you some straight talk about how the next few years were going to go for you. It was awkward and shocking and you knew your childhood would never be the same. When you hit your mid-thirties, there should be some kind of Part Two to that conversation. All the ladies need to be rounded up, lead into a dimly lit classroom that smells vaguely of pencil...

Keep Reading

How to Stay Married For (at Least) 10 Years

In: Humor, Relationships
How to Stay Married For (at Least) 10 years www.herviewfromhome.com

In July, my husband and I celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary. We got married back in 2008 following my college graduation. I was only 22 at the time and him? Well, he was all good-looking at the prime age of 30. There were may vocal skeptics who chimed in, unasked of course, to share with us their belief that we would “never last” and that it would “never work”. To them, I say, “You were wrong! Na-na, na-na, boo-boo!” Just kidding, of course; I don’t talk like that. I am a respectable mother, not a four-year-old child and thank goodness...

Keep Reading

How to Put Your Children to Bed in 46 Easy Steps

In: Humor, Kids
How to Put Your Children to Bed in 46 Easy Steps www.herviewfromhome.com

It was time. It had to happen. We’d had a good run at pouring our children into bed at 11:30 p.m., sweaty, sticky, and exhausted from their head to their toes.  But bedtime had to get back to its (somewhat) regularly scheduled program.  When we had one kid, bedtime was a breeze.  Each night, we had a 10 step process. And the steps were simple. And very, very routine. 1. Toys away at 7:10 p.m. 2. Up the stairs at 7:15 p.m. 3. Change into pajamas 4. Brush teeth 5. Read two books 6. Say prayers 7. Light off 8....

Keep Reading

Welcome to the Dreaded Man Cold Season

In: Health, Humor
Welcome to the Dreaded Man Cold Season www.herviewfromhome.com

Your husband has a mere headache, but he automatically now believes that he is going to be a chronic sufferer of cluster migraines. Or, maybe he got a small splinter, but he now believes that he is, without probability, going to end up with a staph infection. And, well, that cough of his (cough, cough) is going to have him laid up in bed for the next two days because he is just feeling so terrible. Sound familiar? It is all too familiar to me. What am I talking about? How men are babies when they get sick. Yes, I said it. I...

Keep Reading

Wanted: Imperfect Friends

In: Humor, Relationships
Wanted: Imperfect Friends www.herviewfromhome.com

Is anyone else as sick of the facade as I am?  Because on social media, everyone seems to have their crap together. But I sure don’t.  Scrolling through my feeds leaves me feeling inadequate and lonely, desperately lonely.  I know social media is only the high points. I know there is always more going on behind the scenes that I don’t know about. But at the end of the day, I just feel like there’s no one who would want to be friends with little, imperfect, insignificant, me.  So, I’m placing an ad.  Wanted: Imperfect Friends A kind, but quirky,...

Keep Reading

51 Reasons a Mom Might Be Late

In: Humor, Motherhood
51 Reasons a Mom Might Be Late www.herviewfromhome.com

I’ve got a question for all you moms out there: Have you ever been late? Yeah, me neither. Just kidding! We’ve all been there. We have an appointment, a meeting, an event, or just a playdate, and we want to be on time. In fact, it often looks and feels like we’re going to be on time. We’ve planned ahead. We have everything in order, and we are ready to head out the door. But then, without fail, the inevitable happens. Actually, it seems that a good number of inevitables happen. And we’re running late, again. Being on time is...

Keep Reading

5 Ways Boy Moms Always Ruin Our Fun

In: Humor, Kids
5 Ways Boy Moms Always Ruin Our Fun www.herviewfromhome.com

We know Mom loves us, don’t worry about that . . . but sometimes it seems like she’s just making up a whole pile of rules to ruin our fun. For instance, we’ll be in the middle of a huge independent project and she’ll come along, usually shriek, and be like, “You can’t use water guns to fill up the bathtub! And why are you shooting water into the toilet? Ewwwwww.” And just like that, we have to pack it all up and return to a clean orderly activity. A controlled activity. A zero fun activity. We’re not even sure...

Keep Reading

Should Grandparents Get Paid to Babysit?

In: Humor, Journal
Should Grandparents Get Paid to Babysit? www.herviewfromhome.com

While swaying in side-by-side hammocks, my daughter paid me the ultimate compliment: “It gives me enormous peace of mind while I’m working, to know you’re watching my son and that he’s in the most capable hands.” Then 10 seconds later while I was still orbiting in happy mode, she insulted me by offering to PAY me for this glorious privilege. We engaged in a little tit for tat tug of war with no clear winner. And the debate rages on, at least in our household. How about yours? To pay or not to pay the loving grandparents who bless us...

Keep Reading

Kids Today Will Never Know the Joy of a 90s Summer

In: Humor

So you want a good old fashioned 90s summer, huh? I don’t blame you. The 90s rocked! (Literally, thanks to Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder.) I’m not going to lie—I take slight offense to the use of “old fashioned” and “90s” in the same sentence, as I’m pretty sure the 90s were like 10 years ago, but I’ll still help you out. If you’re really doing this though, you’ll need to ditch some of your modern conveniences, like your phone. I know, I know, but it’s a requirement. You may bring a beeper or clunky flip-phone, but no internet allowed...

Keep Reading

Dear Kids, This Is Not An Uber

In: Humor, Kids
Dear Kids, This Is Not An Uber www.herviewfromhome.com

Paid automotive transportation is pretty simple. You hop in the backseat of a cab, share the address where you are going and aren’t required to speak any longer until you arrive at your destination and pay the driver. The same primary rules apply to taking an Uber or Lyft.  The unwritten rules have been in place for some time. Your trade-off for taking paid transportation is a ride in the backseat, where you don’t have control over the music, the temperature of the car, the route the driver takes or how fast the trip takes, not even the amount of...

Keep Reading