A Gift for Mom! 🤍

The Journey of Grief is All Your Own

4 Minute Read

By Mandy McCarty Harris

Woman walking alone on tracks — Jne Valokuvaus/Shutterstock.com

My 7-year-old daughter, Emma, died seven years ago from complications associated with Pantothenate Kinase Associated Neurodegeneration, an extremely rare and progressive neurological genetic disorder. Her 11-year-old sister, Alex, died of the same disease 21 months later.

I loved my daughters wholly, without exception or compromise. I was as prepared as any mother can be for the death of her daughters, which is to say that their deaths were anticipated and, still, completely devastating. Their deaths rocked my world, but somehow, against all reason, the sun continues to rise, and I keep living.

My grief has been a journey, the terrain ever-changing.

I started on an unmarked trail in the dead of night, it was unkempt and overgrown with unseen obstacles around at every turn. My husband was beside me, but neither of us knew the way. We forged ahead, stumbling clumsily along, our only comfort in knowing that God placed us together for the journey. In time and with attention, the trail widened and cleared. Over the years I have traveled down neglected back roads, overcrowded highways, and everything in between.

Today, I find myself on a quiet country road, maintained only by my faithful travel; travel that is loyal to the memory of my daughters while moving forward in hope. It is a quiet road, but not a lonely one. It is private and peaceful. There are shady spots to rest, where I sometimes sit and surrender myself to the depths of sorrow, but there are also open stretches where I open my arms, turn my face to the heavens, and welcome the warmth of the sun’s rays. There is happiness here, heard in the cheerful song of the birds in the trees and seen in clusters of wildflowers that grow in the sunlight along my path.

My road hasn’t been mapped and I give thanks for this place that is without parameters or expectations. When I am here, I am allowed to simply be and feel and live as I need to. My journey is charted day by day in the most intimate places of my soul. I can feel my children here and I find comfort in my memories of them.

This is where I sit in solitude, where I convene with my God, where I walk in quiet understanding with my husband, and where I sometimes bring my youngest daughter to play among the flowers.

While I never planned to take this trip, I have grown quite fond of the unexpected treasures that grow freely here.

This journey of grief is somehow lush with new growth and possibility without sacrifice of the beauty that was. I don’t understand it, but I give thanks for it.

If you are on your own journey of grief, I pray that you find solace and healing in the travel. Your road is all your own and I am so sorry that I cannot show you the way.

I know that sometimes the storms are so violent that the aftermath of mud and debris feels impossible to navigate. Droughts can be severe, roads can get crowded, detours can change your course, and darkness can be immobilizing.

This may be as close as our paths ever come, and, if so, I hope that my vulnerability offers you comfort and validation on your journey. If the day does come when our courses cross, maybe we will find that one of us has in plenty the exact thing that the other finds in short supply. Or maybe we will know that all we have to offer each other is a moment of quiet understanding in the shade and the wisdom that we are not alone.

And sometimes, that is exactly enough.

A version of this article originally appeared on Journey of Grief

You may also like:

This is Grief

You Cannot Control Seasons of Grief; You Can Only Move Through Them

So God Made a Grandmother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Order Now!

death of a child Grief grief is a journey grieving mother loss

Mandy McCarty Harris

Mandy McCarty Harris lives in Northwest Arkansas with her husband, young daughter, three dogs, and eleven backyard chickens. She writes about living happily in the messy middle of life. She can be found on Facebook, Instagram, and at HappyLikeThis.com

When I Look In the Mirror, I See My Mother

In: Grief

Woman with mother smiling in older photo

Recently, whenever I look in the mirror, I see a strong resemblance to my mother. People always said I looked like her, but I never really saw it until now. I think it may be because you always think of your parents as being older than you are. At the age of 61, I am now only two years away from the age my mother was when she died. The only good thing about dying young is that everyone will remember you that way. I have only known my mom as the vibrant, personable, and active woman she was. Well,...

Keep Reading

I Lost My Daughter on Mother’s Day: 3 Truths I’m Believing Today

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood

Editor’s note: This post discusses child loss Child loss changes Mother’s Day. My 19-month-old, Julia, died suddenly on Mother’s Day in 2024. Three months later, her autopsy revealed she had B-cell Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (B-ALL, also known as SUDNIC). Julia died a week after we did an embryo transfer at an IVF clinic in an attempt to have a second child. We found out three days after Julia’s death that the embryo did not make it either. Six months later, we did another embryo transfer that succeeded, and I now have an 8-month-old daughter, Lucy Mei (“Mei Mei” means “little...

Keep Reading

I Miss Having Parents

In: Grief

Grown daughter posing between smiling parents

I have been living with the ache of loss for so long that I truly don’t remember what it feels like not to carry it. Sometimes it rests quietly beneath my ribs, dormant and almost polite. Other times it rises without warning—on an ordinary Tuesday afternoon, in the middle of a coffee line—and cuts straight through me. Today, it was a song. I was waiting for my coffee when “Pictures of You” by The Cure drifted through the café speakers. I hadn’t heard it in 20 years. In my twenties, it meant heartbreak—young love unraveling, relationships ending before they were...

Keep Reading

What No One Tells You about Losing a Sibling

In: Grief

Nobody tells you that when you lose a sibling, your entire childhood flashes before your eyes. There’s no better witness to what you experienced growing up than that one person who was standing nearby for all of it. And when they’re gone, a part of that childhood and a part of that story goes with them, because it was only ever known between the two of you. There’s no last chance to say, “Remember when?” or to laugh about the things that made you laugh to tears together, a million times at the kitchen table. There’s no last conversation about...

Keep Reading

Grief Didn’t Break Me, It Rearranged Me

In: Grief

I survived losing my father after his long, grueling battle with cancer. It was one of the most difficult seasons of my life. I had a front row seat to watch cancer pick him apart piece by piece. When you lose a parent, you lose a part of yourself. They say time heals all wounds, but you never stop missing the good ones, and there are days when it feels like it just happened. By the grace of God, I survived, but I will always miss my father. Then, almost a decade later, I lost the career that helped me...

Keep Reading

I’m Learning To Be Soft and Strong

In: Grief

During the weeks we cared for my grandmother in hospice, survival mode felt necessary. There were medications to track. Visitors to update. Logistics to manage. I remember sitting on the couch that served as my makeshift bed and listening to the rhythmic hissing and puffing of the oxygen machine one night. While my mom showered off the day, I texted my sister updates and sent my husband a quick message of love. I could still smell the lavender candle we had lit earlier in the day to mask medical scents. The house was quiet, but my mind wasn’t. I was...

Keep Reading

The Legacy Our Mothers Leave Is In the Details

In: Grief

Woman's hands holding beautifully wrapped small gift

It has been two months and nine days since my mom passed away. The first several weeks were spent on the details and logistics of planning her service. She passed in December, so once her beautiful service had passed, I busied myself with the preparations for Christmas. By mid-February, I finally began to process some feelings of grief on a deeper level. The quiet of this less-busy season is allowing the grief to soak in a bit more. Not the big things; not the obvious, grief-heavy reminders that stop me in my tracks. Instead, I’ve been noticing the small things....

Keep Reading

You Never Get Over Losing Your Mother

In: Grief

It’s been 10 years since I last heard my mother’s voice. Ten years since I could pick up the phone and ask a question I already knew the answer to, just to hear her say it anyway. Ten years since someone loved me in that very specific, unconditional, occasionally annoying way that only a mother can. My mom died in 2015. And while “passed away” sounds softer, more polite, the truth is that she left. Suddenly. Permanently. With no forwarding address. She was gone. What I’ve learned in the decade since is not what I expected. I thought the biggest lesson...

Keep Reading

My Husband Is By My Side Through Every Storm

In: Grief, Marriage

The year 2025 began as a quiet storm. I was slipping into the fog of depression while navigating the early chaos of perimenopause, and some days simply getting out of bed felt impossible. My thoughts felt dark and heavy, my body unfamiliar, my energy nonexistent, and my moods uncontrollable. And yet, in the haze, there was one constant: my husband. He noticed the subtle shifts I barely acknowledged. The sighs, the quiet retreats into myself, the moments I almost broke. Instead of judgment or frustration, he offered presence. He held space for my struggle without trying to “fix” it, and...

Keep Reading

Losing My Mom Shaped Me As a Mother

In: Grief

Becoming a mother has a way of bringing old wounds back to the surface, even ones you believed had healed. I never imagined grief would surface so strongly in my motherhood journey. I thought it was something you carried silently, something that faded with time. But becoming a mother felt like my loss rising to its feet and saying, I’m still here There are moments when I reach for my phone to call my mom, only to be met with the reminder that I can’t. I want to ask her if what I’m feeling is normal, if the exhaustion softens,...

Keep Reading

Tell Them You Love Them While You Still Can

Living

Tell Them You Love Them While You Still Can

Working Parents of Kids With Disabilities Need More Options

Kids

The Journey of Grief is All Your Own

My grief has been a journey, the terrain ever-changing.

While I never planned to take this trip, I have grown quite fond of the unexpected treasures that grow freely here.

And sometimes, that is exactly enough.

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Mandy McCarty Harris

When I Look In the Mirror, I See My Mother

I Lost My Daughter on Mother’s Day: 3 Truths I’m Believing Today

I Miss Having Parents

What No One Tells You about Losing a Sibling

Grief Didn’t Break Me, It Rearranged Me

I’m Learning To Be Soft and Strong

The Legacy Our Mothers Leave Is In the Details

You Never Get Over Losing Your Mother

My Husband Is By My Side Through Every Storm

Losing My Mom Shaped Me As a Mother

Get It Now

So God Made a Mother

The Journey of Grief is All Your Own

My grief has been a journey, the terrain ever-changing.

While I never planned to take this trip, I have grown quite fond of the unexpected treasures that grow freely here.

And sometimes, that is exactly enough.

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

When I Look In the Mirror, I See My Mother

I Lost My Daughter on Mother’s Day: 3 Truths I’m Believing Today

I Miss Having Parents

What No One Tells You about Losing a Sibling

Grief Didn’t Break Me, It Rearranged Me

I’m Learning To Be Soft and Strong

The Legacy Our Mothers Leave Is In the Details

You Never Get Over Losing Your Mother

My Husband Is By My Side Through Every Storm

Losing My Mom Shaped Me As a Mother

Previous Post

Next Post

You May Also Like