To my firstborn,
Some days it feels like I just found out about you—pregnant for the first time ever. But then it also feels like I’ve known you forever. That you have always been a part of me. I’m not sure how time has flown so quickly that I am now preparing to meet your sister. And I know I’ll also feel like I’ve known her forever.
I cherish the title “mother”—a gift you gave me. From even before the moment I almost passed out in shock when I saw those two little pink lines, I have been your mother. And I always will be. You have been patient with me from day one when I forgot what medicines I could take or which cheese I could eat during pregnancy. We’ve somehow tackled every challenge like blowout diapers, sleepless nights, and your first surgery. And we will continue to face every challenge—together, along with your daddy and now your sister.
I’m nervous about being a mom to more than just you.
Things will change. They must. But two things that will never change: my love for you and my gratefulness for all the things you have taught and given me.
You taught me how to persevere through pregnancy aches and pains and how to manage all the outrageous pregnancy hormones. You taught me how to appreciate my body and the incredible power it holds. You taught me that planning a party can be fun but also ridiculously expensive. You taught me how to rely on God’s strength when I didn’t know how to function on so little sleep. You taught me how to ask for help when postpartum depression hit me hard.
You have taught me so much and given me more than you may ever know—you have given me the confidence I need to be a mother and the courage to do it again.
I was scared to death the first time I held you.
I probably will be with your sister too. But watching you take your first steps, speak your first sentence, be potty trained, show kindness to others, pick up your toys—it has all meant something to me. Your achievements, no matter how small or common or insignificant they may appear, are major moments for me. YOU make me proud, son. You have this way of humbling me in public, and I’m sure I won’t always be proud of the choices you make, but I will never not be proud to be your mother. Your very existence makes me proud.
And that will not change when my attention is shared with another baby. You may feel overlooked sometimes, but I assure you that is not possible. I hope one day you will read this, maybe you will read it as you prepare to be a father yourself, and know that because of you, your dad and I chose to have another. Because of you . . .
I love you forever and always.