I’m blessed with three incredible, precious children who are all the same gender.
And now I’m expecting our fourth baby.
Almost anytime people see my three little ones and then glance at my growing stomach, I hear something along the lines of, “Wow! I’m sure you’ll be happy with any healthy baby, but aren’t you really hoping for a different gender this time?”
Of course, my typical response is that I’m trying not to get my hopes up one way or the other—that I’ll be completely happy no matter what the ultrasound reveals in just a couple of weeks.
But if I’m honest?
I’m going to feel crushed if this baby is the same gender as my other three.
Just like I felt a little crushed when I found out about my first. And then I just knew my second would be the opposite gender . . . but wasn’t. And then felt the same feelings when I found out about our third.
There’s just no way around it: I will be disappointed if this baby is not the gender I want him/her to be.
But really . . . when did bringing life into the world become about me?
When did this human’s life become so largely about what I want?
Just like I am a completely separate person from my own mother, this child will be a completely different person from me. I just have the privilege of bringing him/her into this world and helping him/her make it a more beautiful place merely by their presence here.
I do not know what my baby’s gender will be. But I do believe with all my heart, whether boy or girl, he or she will be a light that makes my life and this world a brighter place.
Yes, I will be disappointed if my secret hope isn’t met, just like my mother probably felt at least a twinge of disappointment when she found out I was a girl like her other children. But she never once let on, and I never felt less cherished.
Because a mother’s love doesn’t look at gender, looks, race, behaviors, disabilities. A mother’s love is simply mesmerized by the gift she’s holding. And the more she adores her gift the more beautiful and treasured it becomes.
This child inside of me—whether boy or girl—is one of the most valuable treasures I will ever have, just like my other three children. No matter what they look like or act like, whether they love the same things I love or are completely different from me, I will treasure them and I will always choose to love and lead them well through this gift called life.
And I just know when I look at this baby’s face and nuzzle my nose against their warm, soft baby cheeks, any disappointment will fade. I will forget that I ever cared what gender they would be. Like I did with my first, and the next, and the next. My secret longing will fade and eventually mean less and less to me. I will be mesmerized by the miraculous fact that this tiny human grew inside of me and is now somehow cradled in my arms.
I’m going to be so thrilled to get to know this tiny person who will grow and change me, this valuable individual who will teach me the beautiful purpose of every person’s existence and help me realize how much bigger this sacred plan of life is than me.
I can’t wait to meet you and be changed by you, my precious little one.
I already love you just the way you are.