It was just another typical fall morning. There was a time change so you were a little extra sleepy (also known as grouchy) but nothing too out of the ordinary. In a split second, that all changed, and the reality of what it is like to live with an unbelievably relentless little human set in like never before.
I sat on your bedroom floor, laundry scattered all around, and literally watched my tears fall to the ground. I was on my knees. Physically on my knees just begging you to stop or begging God to give me patience. I don’t even remember which. Probably both. Hopefully both.
You just wouldn’t stop. Or couldn’t stop. Sometimes, it’s entirely too difficult to try and decipher the difference.
You wanted what you wanted, and you wanted it now. No, actually, not now. You wanted it five minutes ago, and you would ask me about it every 25.5 seconds. You wouldn’t listen to logic or reason because believe me I tried. You wouldn’t listen to a hard no—that made it worse.
The harder you pushed, the deeper I spiraled. Before I knew it, I was doing everything I swore not to. I was screaming. I was yelling. I was threatening to take things away. I was hell-bent on just getting you to stop—whatever that might look like.
The thing is, this isn’t uncharted territory for you and me. You are always pushing the limits. You are always trying to call the shots. You are always so undeniably persistent. You are absolutely relentless. It’s a never-ending power struggle in our world and most days I can handle it so much better. So much more rationally and with the tools I’ve gathered along this journey. But not today my wild one.
Today was not our day. Today, I felt my spirit break just a little as I wondered if I could really do this. Could I really parent a little girl as strong-willed as you? After some time, we pulled it together. Not all at once, but we got there, and once we did, I reminded myself of the one thing I tell myself on my hardest days. He chose me for a reason. God chose me to be your mama for reasons I may never know, but they are there somewhere.
We were meant to be a team, you and me. If we could only move past this moment or this hour or even this day, we can start fresh. If only I could remember all the things I’ve said on similar days.
I’ll remind myself that one day you will use that persistence for greatness. One day that relentlessness will serve you well when you fight for something you truly believe in. One day that strong will will help you overcome whatever challenges you are forced to face. One day, you will change the world.
That very same persistence and relentlessness that broke me today will help me rebuild tomorrow. And you will be right there beside me.