It’s crazy to me how so many years have gone by since my mom died, yet every now and then, the thought still crosses my mind to call my mom. I still know her number by heart. I still keep her contact in my phone. Every so often, on a drive home from work, I actually think about calling my mom.

Maybe it’s because I have kept my mom so close to me all of these years. Maybe it’s because I talk about her so frequently and I continue to attempt to keep her part of my daily life. 

Or maybe it’s because in some fantasy world my mind goes to while I’m in the car listening to my favorite song on a rainy day, I actually would be able to call my mom.

And she would actually be able to answer. 

I’m not sure that the feeling of wanting to tell my mom about my day will ever go away. I’m not sure that I’ll ever get to a place where I don’t wish my mom was there to be part of daily life. I’m not sure that I will ever forget my mom’s number, or stop wanting to call her.

But I’m not sure that I would want that either. To me, that would mean forgetting her. That would mean forgetting the huge role she played in my life and how supportive and loving she was every single day. 

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I don’t want to ever forget her. In fact, that just might be my biggest fear.

As time passes and I forget the little things, it terrifies me how much more I may forget as more time goes by. 

That’s why I keep her part of my life in any way I can. I talk about her constantly. I tell people who never met her everything about her. I make sure everyone knows what an amazing person my mom is. I make sure she is remembered and that people don’t ever forget what an impact she made on me, and everyone else she touched. 

This post originally appeared on the author’s blog

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Christie Lynn

I’m a 26 year old social worker and blogger using my words and experiences to help others though hardship, grief and mother loss.