A Gift for Mom! 🤍

I Should Have Cherished Time With My Mom When I Had the Chance

4 Minute Read

By Brandie Kendrick

Mother and daughter, color photo — Image via Brandie Kendrick

I am a grown orphan . . . or at least that’s how it feels.

I know technically the definition of an orphan is a person, specifically a child, who has lost both parents. I’m very fortunate that I still have my amazing father. Without my mother, though, I still feel like a grown orphan.

It was too soon to lose her.

I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared, and now I will never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

It has been nine months since she passed away unexpectedly. Nine months: the same amount of time a woman prepares for the birth of a child; yet, nothing has prepared me for how to live without a mother. Nothing has taught me how to grieve.

RELATED: Life without My Mother

The sting of her absence comes and goes. I have days I think about her in passing, and I find joy in the moments we had together. Then, I have days when I cry in secret, and my broken heart beats a little slower.

How am I supposed to be a mother without my mom around?

I have spent the last 72 hours caring for my youngest after her tonsil surgery. I’ve been a full-time nurse: pushing fluids, giving round-the-clock cuddles, and scheduling medications. I’ve walked around embracing the moments of cuddles while feeling this gaping hole. The lack of her presence is devastating. She would have been by my side caring for me while I cared for my girl. Even with an amazing family and wonderful friends for support, I can’t help but still feel like a grown orphan. No one can take the place of my mother. How am I supposed to be a mother without my mother around?

I am mad at myself for being so aware of her absence when I should have been more aware when she was present.

I should have soaked up more moments, made more time for her, and listened a little longer to her voice. Even within the last year, my mother had shown up and held my hair back while I puked. She did piles of my laundry. She babysat my girls countless times. Her best quality was, hands down, her ability to care for me. Her health had declined, but even when she didn’t feel well herself, she still showed up when I needed her.

RELATED: Dear Mom, Thanks for Still Mothering Me in This Exhausting Stage of Motherhood

We never talked about the deep and personal things like I had longed for. We didn’t have the close-knit, tell my mom everything type of relationship. Instead, we had the work hard and show up for one another type of relationship. That’s why in moments like these when I see my baby restless in a hospital bed, I feel alone, broken, and like a grown orphan.

The emptiness of not having a mother makes me feel like an orphan. I know that is silly to say out loud. The truth is I have the very best of friends and a wonderful family who have supported me 100% of the time. My family is extremely blessed.

Even in my gratefulness, I still miss my mother.

Over the last few days, my 3-year-old has literally just become an extension of me. While her father is typically her favorite, she has refused to leave my side. The only thing that has brought her comfort is me, her mother. And I feel her pain, I want my mother, too.

RELATED: Even Though You’re In Heaven, Your Grandchildren Will Know You

I guess the best thing I can learn from this is that every tiny act, every dose of Tylenol, every wiped chin, every nap-time cuddle will not be forgotten. It will be the legacy I leave behind one day. While I feel orphaned and miss my mother greatly, I chose to embrace these moments in motherhood. What a privilege I have to be here, to be present, and to love my children well.

Previously published on the author’s blog

So God Made a Grandmother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Order Now!

Brandie Kendrick

Brandie Kendrick is the author behind Pickled Proverbs. She holds a Master’s Degree in Early Childhood Development and several certifications in human development. She puts her graduate degree to good use working 40+ hours a week as an Early Interventionist. Her evenings are spent chasing her free spirited daughters or tackling mountains of laundry. After bedtime she can be found writing about the hilarious truths of motherhood and raising young children. For more of her work check out www.pickledproverbs.com

When I Look In the Mirror, I See My Mother

In: Grief

Woman with mother smiling in older photo

Recently, whenever I look in the mirror, I see a strong resemblance to my mother. People always said I looked like her, but I never really saw it until now. I think it may be because you always think of your parents as being older than you are. At the age of 61, I am now only two years away from the age my mother was when she died. The only good thing about dying young is that everyone will remember you that way. I have only known my mom as the vibrant, personable, and active woman she was. Well,...

Keep Reading

I Lost My Daughter on Mother’s Day: 3 Truths I’m Believing Today

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood

Editor’s note: This post discusses child loss Child loss changes Mother’s Day. My 19-month-old, Julia, died suddenly on Mother’s Day in 2024. Three months later, her autopsy revealed she had B-cell Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (B-ALL, also known as SUDNIC). Julia died a week after we did an embryo transfer at an IVF clinic in an attempt to have a second child. We found out three days after Julia’s death that the embryo did not make it either. Six months later, we did another embryo transfer that succeeded, and I now have an 8-month-old daughter, Lucy Mei (“Mei Mei” means “little...

Keep Reading

I Miss Having Parents

In: Grief

Grown daughter posing between smiling parents

I have been living with the ache of loss for so long that I truly don’t remember what it feels like not to carry it. Sometimes it rests quietly beneath my ribs, dormant and almost polite. Other times it rises without warning—on an ordinary Tuesday afternoon, in the middle of a coffee line—and cuts straight through me. Today, it was a song. I was waiting for my coffee when “Pictures of You” by The Cure drifted through the café speakers. I hadn’t heard it in 20 years. In my twenties, it meant heartbreak—young love unraveling, relationships ending before they were...

Keep Reading

What No One Tells You about Losing a Sibling

In: Grief

Nobody tells you that when you lose a sibling, your entire childhood flashes before your eyes. There’s no better witness to what you experienced growing up than that one person who was standing nearby for all of it. And when they’re gone, a part of that childhood and a part of that story goes with them, because it was only ever known between the two of you. There’s no last chance to say, “Remember when?” or to laugh about the things that made you laugh to tears together, a million times at the kitchen table. There’s no last conversation about...

Keep Reading

Grief Didn’t Break Me, It Rearranged Me

In: Grief

I survived losing my father after his long, grueling battle with cancer. It was one of the most difficult seasons of my life. I had a front row seat to watch cancer pick him apart piece by piece. When you lose a parent, you lose a part of yourself. They say time heals all wounds, but you never stop missing the good ones, and there are days when it feels like it just happened. By the grace of God, I survived, but I will always miss my father. Then, almost a decade later, I lost the career that helped me...

Keep Reading

I’m Learning To Be Soft and Strong

In: Grief

During the weeks we cared for my grandmother in hospice, survival mode felt necessary. There were medications to track. Visitors to update. Logistics to manage. I remember sitting on the couch that served as my makeshift bed and listening to the rhythmic hissing and puffing of the oxygen machine one night. While my mom showered off the day, I texted my sister updates and sent my husband a quick message of love. I could still smell the lavender candle we had lit earlier in the day to mask medical scents. The house was quiet, but my mind wasn’t. I was...

Keep Reading

The Legacy Our Mothers Leave Is In the Details

In: Grief

Woman's hands holding beautifully wrapped small gift

It has been two months and nine days since my mom passed away. The first several weeks were spent on the details and logistics of planning her service. She passed in December, so once her beautiful service had passed, I busied myself with the preparations for Christmas. By mid-February, I finally began to process some feelings of grief on a deeper level. The quiet of this less-busy season is allowing the grief to soak in a bit more. Not the big things; not the obvious, grief-heavy reminders that stop me in my tracks. Instead, I’ve been noticing the small things....

Keep Reading

You Never Get Over Losing Your Mother

In: Grief

It’s been 10 years since I last heard my mother’s voice. Ten years since I could pick up the phone and ask a question I already knew the answer to, just to hear her say it anyway. Ten years since someone loved me in that very specific, unconditional, occasionally annoying way that only a mother can. My mom died in 2015. And while “passed away” sounds softer, more polite, the truth is that she left. Suddenly. Permanently. With no forwarding address. She was gone. What I’ve learned in the decade since is not what I expected. I thought the biggest lesson...

Keep Reading

My Husband Is By My Side Through Every Storm

In: Grief, Marriage

The year 2025 began as a quiet storm. I was slipping into the fog of depression while navigating the early chaos of perimenopause, and some days simply getting out of bed felt impossible. My thoughts felt dark and heavy, my body unfamiliar, my energy nonexistent, and my moods uncontrollable. And yet, in the haze, there was one constant: my husband. He noticed the subtle shifts I barely acknowledged. The sighs, the quiet retreats into myself, the moments I almost broke. Instead of judgment or frustration, he offered presence. He held space for my struggle without trying to “fix” it, and...

Keep Reading

Losing My Mom Shaped Me As a Mother

In: Grief

Becoming a mother has a way of bringing old wounds back to the surface, even ones you believed had healed. I never imagined grief would surface so strongly in my motherhood journey. I thought it was something you carried silently, something that faded with time. But becoming a mother felt like my loss rising to its feet and saying, I’m still here There are moments when I reach for my phone to call my mom, only to be met with the reminder that I can’t. I want to ask her if what I’m feeling is normal, if the exhaustion softens,...

Keep Reading

Families Returning To Church Need Some Extra Grace

Faith

Families Returning To Church Need Some Extra Grace

Here's To the Strong Women Who've Come Before Us

Motherhood

I Should Have Cherished Time With My Mom When I Had the Chance

I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared, and now I will never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

RELATED: Life without My Mother

I am mad at myself for being so aware of her absence when I should have been more aware when she was present.

RELATED: Dear Mom, Thanks for Still Mothering Me in This Exhausting Stage of Motherhood

Even in my gratefulness, I still miss my mother.

RELATED: Even Though You’re In Heaven, Your Grandchildren Will Know You

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Brandie Kendrick

When I Look In the Mirror, I See My Mother

I Lost My Daughter on Mother’s Day: 3 Truths I’m Believing Today

I Miss Having Parents

What No One Tells You about Losing a Sibling

Grief Didn’t Break Me, It Rearranged Me

I’m Learning To Be Soft and Strong

The Legacy Our Mothers Leave Is In the Details

You Never Get Over Losing Your Mother

My Husband Is By My Side Through Every Storm

Losing My Mom Shaped Me As a Mother

Get It Now

So God Made a Mother

I Should Have Cherished Time With My Mom When I Had the Chance

I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared, and now I will never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

I am mad at myself for being so aware of her absence when I should have been more aware when she was present.

Even in my gratefulness, I still miss my mother.

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

When I Look In the Mirror, I See My Mother

I Lost My Daughter on Mother’s Day: 3 Truths I’m Believing Today

I Miss Having Parents

What No One Tells You about Losing a Sibling

Grief Didn’t Break Me, It Rearranged Me

I’m Learning To Be Soft and Strong

The Legacy Our Mothers Leave Is In the Details

You Never Get Over Losing Your Mother

My Husband Is By My Side Through Every Storm

Losing My Mom Shaped Me As a Mother

Previous Post

Next Post

You May Also Like