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Dear Grieving Mother, Don’t Let the World Pressure You Into Forgetting the Child You Lost

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By Sarah Lewis

Man hugging sad woman — LightField Studios/Shutterstock.com

Grief is a vulture—circling the carrion of our loss as we watch from spectator seats. As if the loss of our daughter didn’t happen to us, but to someone else. The holy moments shared between my husband and me, those few days in the hospital, are an unseen golden tether that keeps us each above water.

That is our reality, one we try so hard to keep closed in a box on a shelf. But as the months count down to August, as the anniversary of Hazel’s stillbirth closes in, tremors shake the lid and unconscious grief slips out.

But that’s what we do as parents. We put on a mask of determined fortitude.

We aren’t the only victims in this tragic result of a fallen world, after all. Our daughter and son, six and four at the time, also lost things precious. My eldest lost the innocence of believing in a perfect world, the future of baby dolls played, secrets shared, fights fought. My son lost the naivety of believing his parents were infallible. Something that has aftershocks still to this day. His fear of death and of something happening to me is a battle we fight weekly.

RELATED: The Question No Grieving Mother Wants To Hear

The problem with pretending to be fine is that I didn’t see that the fissures of grief were tearing us apart. My daughter developed a fear of anything she did not control completely. She couldn’t be outside for fear of bugs, she couldn’t sleep because she couldn’t control her nightmares. It took a year of intense therapy and EMDR to heal her.

But my guilt runs deep.

A few nights ago my son came into my room hysterical because he didn’t understand why God took Hazel. We don’t often speak of the situation, so I was taken aback by the raw emotions he isn’t known for sharing. We talked and cried together, rabbit trails abound following the carnage of the vulture.

As her anniversary draws near, I am always reminded of how during the days that followed, we were inundated with friends and family who cared. Always asking how we were, praying for us. But then as the weeks passed, it seems like it became socially inappropriate to still be grieving. To want to talk through what happened. Everyone slides away, though. Changes the subject, “Oh, must we talk of that ordeal?”

RELATED: Grief is a Constant Companion for the Mother Who’s Lost a Child

Who is the decider of these timelines though? Who gets to have the authority on what the socially acceptable rules are for a young mother grieving?

Tonight, I pray for them. For all the moms struggling with miscarriage, with infant loss, with infertility. Don’t let the world pressure you into forgetting the souls that were knit inside you. Because they haven’t forgotten you.

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Grief grieving mom loss loss mom miscarriage Motherhood pregnancy and infant loss pregnancy and infant loss awareness month pregnancy loss stillbirth the child you lost

Sarah Lewis

Sarah is a writer who enjoys homeschooling her three children in the woods of Brown County. You can find more of her writing at sarahlewis.substack.com.

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Dear Grieving Mother, Don’t Let the World Pressure You Into Forgetting the Child You Lost

But that’s what we do as parents. We put on a mask of determined fortitude.

RELATED: The Question No Grieving Mother Wants To Hear

But my guilt runs deep.

RELATED: Grief is a Constant Companion for the Mother Who’s Lost a Child

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Sarah Lewis

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Sometimes Healing Doesn’t Look Like Moving On

Now that You’re Gone, I Sit In This Waiting Room Alone

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The Due Date that Never Comes

Repotting Myself: What My One‑Armed Grandpa Taught Me About Growing Anyway

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I Lost My Daughter on Mother’s Day: 3 Truths I’m Believing Today

I Miss Having Parents

Get It Now

So God Made a Mother

Dear Grieving Mother, Don’t Let the World Pressure You Into Forgetting the Child You Lost

But that’s what we do as parents. We put on a mask of determined fortitude.

But my guilt runs deep.

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Farewell My Father: Walking the Trail of Beauty in Old Age

Sometimes Healing Doesn’t Look Like Moving On

Now that You’re Gone, I Sit In This Waiting Room Alone

She Was the Glue That Held Our Family Together

My Parents Will Never See This Face

The Due Date that Never Comes

Repotting Myself: What My One‑Armed Grandpa Taught Me About Growing Anyway

When I Look In the Mirror, I See My Mother

I Lost My Daughter on Mother’s Day: 3 Truths I’m Believing Today

I Miss Having Parents

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