I thought about you today. We took our annual back-to-school photos, and I was arranging them in a collage. I always arrange the photos by oldest to youngest. You, sweet baby, would have been our oldest. You would be eight this year.
We have six children and my hands and heart are so full, yet I think of you often. Would you be tall like your father? Would you have had a huge personality like your sisters? We never found out the gender, but it doesn’t matter. What I do know is that you were perfect. A perfect child of God.
I am so sad to have never met you, however, I am so happy that you are with our Maker. This world is harsh and full of sin and sadness. You, precious baby, have only ever known happiness. For this, I can smile.
Having a big family does not take away the pain of loss.
Neither the adoptions nor the biological children will ever replace the baby we lost. I will never not wonder what could have been. I will always think of them when looking at family photos or making family collages like the one I was working on today.
This little life mattered. This little life had purpose.
This little life made me question everything. I was angry at God. We had tried so hard to get pregnant. Why would he take it away? Why me? Was I not faithful enough? Did I not trust Him enough?
The year we lost our precious baby was the same year we adopted our oldest child. It was also the same year we had a heartbreaking failed adoption. That year was one of the toughest years of my life as a mother. There was so much to be thankful for, yet so much heartbreak.
God had a wonderful plan for my family and I stepped back to see that. I had to step back and stop blaming God. I had to see the blessing through the hard. All of the years of infertility, loss, adoptions, and pregnancies have led me to where I am today.
I don’t believe God was ever saying no when I was praying and pleading for a child. I believe He was saying wait.
In God’s timing, not mine, I was blessed beyond measure. Do I still experience the heartache? Absolutely. Will I still wonder what if and why? All the time. Do I selfishly wish the baby I had carried would have been born here instead of Heaven? Yes.
Not everyone has the same ending to their story. Infertility and loss are very hard to overcome and give to God. It is my prayer for all families who have this struggle to look to God for patience, strength, and comfort.