Our Keepsake Journal is Here! 🎉

I thought about you today. We took our annual back-to-school photos, and I was arranging them in a collage. I always arrange the photos by oldest to youngest. You, sweet baby, would have been our oldest. You would be eight this year.

We have six children and my hands and heart are so full, yet I think of you often. Would you be tall like your father? Would you have had a huge personality like your sisters? We never found out the gender, but it doesn’t matter. What I do know is that you were perfect. A perfect child of God.

I am so sad to have never met you, however, I am so happy that you are with our Maker. This world is harsh and full of sin and sadness. You, precious baby, have only ever known happiness. For this, I can smile. 

Having a big family does not take away the pain of loss.

Neither the adoptions nor the biological children will ever replace the baby we lost. I will never not wonder what could have been. I will always think of them when looking at family photos or making family collages like the one I was working on today.

RELATED: You Were Here My Angel

This little life mattered. This little life had purpose. 

This little life made me question everything. I was angry at God. We had tried so hard to get pregnant. Why would he take it away? Why me? Was I not faithful enough? Did I not trust Him enough? 

The year we lost our precious baby was the same year we adopted our oldest child. It was also the same year we had a heartbreaking failed adoption. That year was one of the toughest years of my life as a mother. There was so much to be thankful for, yet so much heartbreak.

God had a wonderful plan for my family and I stepped back to see that. I had to step back and stop blaming God. I had to see the blessing through the hard. All of the years of infertility, loss, adoptions, and pregnancies have led me to where I am today.

I don’t believe God was ever saying no when I was praying and pleading for a child. I believe He was saying wait.

In God’s timing, not mine, I was blessed beyond measure. Do I still experience the heartache? Absolutely. Will I still wonder what if and why? All the time. Do I selfishly wish the baby I had carried would have been born here instead of Heaven? Yes.  

RELATED: A Mother’s Love Can’t Be Measured In Weeks

Not everyone has the same ending to their story. Infertility and loss are very hard to overcome and give to God. It is my prayer for all families who have this struggle to look to God for patience, strength, and comfort.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Beth Bacon

My name is Beth Bacon. I have been married for 11 years and am the mom to six wonderful children. We grew our family by adoption and by having three biologically. My passions are homeschooling my children, writing, and gardening. Without my love and faith for our LORD, I would not be where I am today.

Wrestling With Infertility and Faith

In: Baby, Faith, Loss, Motherhood
Woman sitting on bed with pregnancy test and looking sad

I think at some level I always knew. In our first year of marriage, I told my husband that I wanted to start trying to conceive before we were “ready” (whatever that means) because I had fears that it would be hard to get pregnant. My concern was deeper than a passing thought. It invaded my mind and entangled my heart. When the time came to try, the negative tests came with it. Negative Luteinizing Hormone. Negative estrogen increase. Negative basal temperature rise. Negative egg release. Negative blood tests. Negative pregnancy tests. Negative. Negative. What’s wrong with me? I’m only...

Keep Reading

God Already Knows You’re Hurting, It’s OK to Tell Him

In: Faith
Sad woman by stormy sea

For years, I have believed I didn’t have the right to question God. Questioning would only reveal my lack of faith, my lack of trust in His goodness and provision. Faith and trust, I thought would be best communicated through my silent, patient endurance. Guys like Job and David have always perplexed me—I’ve never quite known what to do with them. Job said some pretty audacious things in his self-titled book. David made his fair share of unabashed complaints in the Psalms as well. But I can let Job off the hook and agree he has some valid points to...

Keep Reading

Our House May Be Full But We’d Love Another Baby

In: Motherhood
Family with three kids

Our home is busy. OK, it’s more than busy. What’s busier than busier? Chaotic? Yes. Our home is chaotic. Chaotic in the very best way. It is full. We have three kids under the age of eight. Everyone is in their own little area of life. One is three years into elementary school life. One is in her last year of preschool, anxious to join big brother next year. And one is just dipping his feet in once a week preschool, quickly growing out of toddlerhood. RELATED: The Benefits of Having Kids Close Together that No One Ever Told Me...

Keep Reading