Our home is busy.

OK, it’s more than busy.

What’s busier than busier? Chaotic? Yes. Our home is chaotic.

Chaotic in the very best way.

It is full. We have three kids under the age of eight. Everyone is in their own little area of life. One is three years into elementary school life. One is in her last year of preschool, anxious to join big brother next year. And one is just dipping his feet in once a week preschool, quickly growing out of toddlerhood.

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It is a fun time. It is a busy time. Did I mention busy already? But here’s the kicker.

We want another.

We want to add to the commotion. We may be a wee bit crazy. But it’s this push we aren’t able to ignore.

It’s funny when God puts something like that on your heart. Something that would shift your life. Perhaps even make you step into something uncomfortable.

Both my husband and I have always said we wanted three or four kids, which in this age is considered a big family. So when August of 2018 hit us with a positive pregnancy test, we ran with it. We were doing it. Four seemed like a lot. It especially felt a little intimidating. But our guts told us it was the right thing for our family.

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That was over a year and a half ago and we are still waiting for our number four. We ended up losing the August baby at 11 weeks. We would go on to have three more miscarriages.

We’ve done some testing. I have tracked ovulation. And I have done a cocktail of different medications.

Our next step would be a visit with a fertility doctor, which for us, doesn’t seem like the road we want to go down.

There’s a guilt that hangs over this whole situation. We’ve got three incredible, happy, healthy kids. It seems greedy, right? God, am I being greedy?

It is a different longing for a baby when you already have three. I definitely do not compare my feelings to someone who is trying to start a family.

I am aware of what I already have.

However, it’s hard to feel like we’re done. It’s like this really big, heavy door to close that I just can’t handle. Do we let it go? Or do we push forward and continue to hound doctors for answers and exhaust all expenses?

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My heart is in limbo. I am over the testing. I am over the monthly disappointments of a not pregnant symbol on a test. The living my life by each cycle day. My mind tells me: Maybe you just need to be done. Stop this emotional battle and move on. Love on the three you have even more.

But my heart still won’t let it go. It longs for one more time of baby kicks in my belly. Another tiny hand to wrap around my finger. A little sibling for my trio. The regret that I didn’t soak up more of the baby time I had with my last.

These feelings feel strange as a mom with a full house.

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However, they are legitimate. We have to all remember that as moms, even if our feelings don’t align with what society would feel is right, they are still valid. And it is important to not let the guilty feelings crush what’s going on inside our heads.

For now, I lean into what God has in store. I’m not sure what that is, but He knows. I’ll continue to live in the beautiful chaos of a full house that someday may be even fuller.

Erika Hanna

Erika and her husband Chris live in Omaha, Nebraska with their three children, one dog and one cat. She is a work from home mom who survives on snuggles, coffee, her planner and Jesus.