My husband and I married on April 13th, 2002. Just a few short weeks after our wedding, my world turned upside down. My brother, Christopher, was killed in a car accident on May 2, 2002. I can remember the day like it just happened yesterday.
I was angry. My heart was torn to pieces. I had so many questions. Why did this happen? Why my brother? I bargained a lot with God. But after awhile, you realize it’s got you nowhere. After years went on, I was at the point where I finally accepted Chris was no longer here and instead in heaven.
Taking it back to even before my brother’s death, my mother was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in February 2000. This disease would cause three major strokes with seven T.I.A (mini strokes). Due to her health, my dad, two brother’s and I along with mom decided that she needed 24/7 care. We never thought we’d be having to make that decision. After all, my Mom had been a registered nurse for over 30 years. We moved her in February, 2012.
On January 4th, 2015, my mom had her third and final stroke. The doctors gave mom her options and she had made her decision according to her quality of life. She decided to live the rest of her days according to God’s will.
At the time, I was juggling with work, my children’s activities and school, and with my mama in the hospital. I felt like I was falling apart at the seams. Life wasn’t making sense at all. I prayed to God everyday. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that mama would change her mind and she’d fight to stay here. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Everyday that I was with mama in the hospital, I helped take care of her. From washing her hair and body, doing oral cares, massaging her body to just overall taking care of her. I even laid with her and would just cry myself to sleep. To see this beautiful and amazing woman who taught me everything, suffering and dying, just hurt my heart. I read her the Apostles Creed, bible verses and prayed together every day. Her face would light up like a Christmas tree! Not once did my mom loose her smile.
Mom passed away peacefully in the early morning on January 13th, 2015. I felt like my purpose in life was blank. I felt like an orphaned child. My childhood had been erased. I thought I had all the answers before. But once again, God proved me wrong. He has the answers. He is silent, but He always answers.
I have always been a believer of signs from God, like coincidental occurrences. Since my brother’s death, I’ve had red cardinals visit. I’ve read that they can be a representative of a loved one who has passed and they show up when you need them most. One of those, “I know it was you God!” moments. I tell my story so others know that they aren’t alone. Our society thinks that Christians aren’t allowed to grieve. And if we do grieve, we are told that’s not the appropriate way. Truth is, we grieve because it’s human and we miss that person.
If it wasn’t for my faith, I wouldn’t be who I am today. My faith gets me through the most darkest times. Without it, I’d be a lost vessel washed up on this beautiful earth.
“Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” ~Hebrews 11:1
“Faith comes from hearing and hearing through the word of Christ.” ~Romans 10:17
