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To my babies in Heaven, 

I still miss you. 

Sometimes I wonder if you can see us from Heaven. Do you get to watch us raise your siblings? Do you know us, like we long to know you? Are you proud to be our child? Does God ever pass on the messages I give to you in my prayers? 

I hope so.

I miss you.

I miss you in the car rides when I look back and see two car seats where there should be more. I miss you when your siblings are laughing together, and I wish you were laughing with them. I miss you when I look back at old photographs and see the last pictures I will ever have of you on this side of Heaven. 

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I wonder if you ever have questions about why I hesitate when I am asked how many children I have. I am sorry for the times I don’t mention you. Sometimes I just don’t quite know what to say. 

I miss you, and I hope you can feel my love from here. 

We weren’t supposed to be parted like this. It is unfair, and I hate it.

Why you? Why us? I will never know on this side of Heaven, but I do know this: I miss you and I will love you forever. 

Your siblings will know you, and I will always, always remember you. 

You changed me in the best way.

Because of you, I was reminded of how fragile life is and what a gift we have in each day. 

Because of you, I only have feelings of gratitude when your siblings outgrow clothes and get older as the months and years pass. I never wish to stop time or keep your brother and sister young because losing you stopped time. 

Each milestone is accompanied by such deep joy, and as I watch them pass, I ache that I never saw yours.

But God did, and He still does. 

When you were born into the arms of Jesus, He saw your greatest milestone of all as you walked into everlasting life with the God of the universe. 

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I couldn’t be there, but your Heavenly Father who loves you infinitely more than I could ever think or imagine was, and that is enough. It has to be.

Life on Earth isn’t the same without you, and I just want you to know I haven’t forgotten you. 

I never could, and I never will. 

Oh, and God? Please hug my babies for me. 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

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Christine Judy

I'm happily married to the most wonderful man on the planet, and together we chase after God and love people deeply. I am an IVF rainbow mama of three in Heaven, two on Earth, and six frozen embryos waiting to come home. I enjoy hosting, baking, and game nights.

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