The other day someone asked me how my grief has changed over the years since losing a parent at such a young age. This question got me thinking, and I think the answer is simple yet so complex. Just like most other things in my life, my grief too, has changed and evolved throughout the different seasons of my life.

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The season of my life I am in now has been one of the most powerful ones to not have my mom a part of. This season of life for me has been all about change and transition. Quite possibly more so than ever before in this decade without her. This is the time when everyone’s lives are heading in different directions. The time when you have no idea if the decisions you are making are right or wrong. The scariest time. The most powerful time. But also, the time I long for advice from my mom and maybe even more so importantly, to be able to have that adult relationship with her.

In this season of change, I am also watching the relationships between my friends and their moms grow in the most beautiful way too. I am seeing it with my dad. He is no longer just my dad, but instead a confident and best friend. This has made the longing for that with my mom sting so deep.

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This is the season of pain. I have been through so many large changes. So many things I didn’t know if I was making the right or wrong decision about. So many long nights of tears and confusion. So many nights of uncertainty. So many times I needed my mom.

This is the season of growth. Who I am and who I continue to become has changed more than ever lately. Every day feels like a big new decision, big change, another big moment. The things I so badly wish I could share with her.

This is the season full of some of both the best and the worst moments to date. In every one of these big moments, I long for the love and support from the adult relationship with my mom that I so unfairly never got to have.