By Amy Keyes 
I am a mother of three . . . with only two living children. So often, when people ask, “How many kids do you have?” I stumble on my words to answer. I look at newly pregnant friends and co-workers, and the answer is never the truth.
There’s a part of me that wants to shield them from the reality that a crying baby entering the world at the end of a full-term pregnancy is not something to take for granted.
Even after 19 years, I struggle to process the magnitude of losing a child at birth. Fragmented memories float around the locked cage of my memory trying to escape, triggered by the simplest things.
I know how lucky I am. I went on to have two healthy, amazing kids—now on the verge of adulthood. Each year, we mark our son’s birthday together with a tradition of sharing the beauty of a child we dreamed of but never had the privilege to dream with for all the years we were supposed to. It seems like a lifetime ago, and just yesterday all at once.
My heart holds extra space for all who struggle, silently or openly, because I know I am not alone. Not alone in attempting to unpack a lifetime of trying to navigate this type of grief. Having no memories of a living child who I spent nine months physically and emotionally connected to, making it feel impossible at times to comprehend how to unstick the traumatic memories that circle that experience. No beautiful moments of life to fill the empty space in my heart.
Not alone in trying to answer the simple question of “how many children do you have?” because it’s not that simple for so many. Not alone in deciding whether or not to share your story for fear of causing sadness or anxiety in others.
It’s hard to know how to move forward in so many moments. But what I do know is that one of the most important and impactful things we can do for one another in these losses is continue to remember. Continue to hold space for the grief. Continue to say the names of the children we never get to see grow up. Continue to breathe their existence into our lives without them.
I am a mother of three, with only two living children. But today and always, I remember our son Keaton. And today and always, I remember the children you carry with you in your hearts.
by Shelby Skiles 
