My daughter is an only child and that will end shortly. Come September we will now be a family of four. I found myself both excited and sad. By the time the leaves begin to change colors, the nights grow colder, and my due date approaches, my daughter will be five years old. That is five years between kids and five years of this life my daughter and I have carefully carved out together. Five years of story times, trips to the playground, temper tantrums, grocery store chaos, chocolate donuts together on Thursday afternoons, and a cautious rhythm and routine that took a long time to perfect. In the last five years, my movements and actions have existed with one at the center.
What will the arrival of a new child do to this world? I’m excited and saddened by the prospect. Excited for the new baby smell, excited for the chance to meet a new little person, excited to see my daughter become a big sister, excited that our family is expanding, and excited that I have been fortunate enough to embark on this journey again as a mother.
What is there to be sad about I stop and ask myself? I am sad that this carefully carved out space in the universe my daughter and I have created is ending. Never again will it be just me and her. My movements and actions will now have two at the center. Will my daughter be okay with this change? Will I be okay with this change? Will I be more prepared or find myself losing it in the challenge of juggling two? What will our days, and nights, look like with a well rested preschooler and a tired newborn and mom? Would my daughter feel differently with a sister versus a brother? The list goes on and on…
And so I stop and mourn for a few moments; to grieve what my daughter and I are losing. To reflect on the joy, the chaos, the growth, the hardships, and some of the best moments of my life that have come with this space my daughter and I made together just ourselves in the last five years.
In the mundane-ness of everyday life, I found myself as a mother and am forever blessed my daughter is the one that got me here. My daughter is the one I loved first and am grateful that my daughter and I had five years to shape this life, to learn from it, to grow from it, and to just be.