Shop the fall collection ➔

I HATE MATH. Specifically, algebra—algebra is the worst! I will never use any of this in real life. Like, when am I going to be driving down the road, and be like, “PULL OVER!! I must know the circumference of that stop sign, immediately!” Never, that’s when. Ugh, this so pointless, I’m not doing this homework. It doesn’t even make sense. I’m gonna get a Mello Yello and watch 90210, instead.

I spent most of class today thinking about what I’m gonna wear this weekend. One of the seniors is having a party, and pretty much everyone is going. It’s gonna be off the hook! Originally, the party was supposed to be in a field behind Brady’s house, but thanks to some total genius—who left the map on the copy machine in the library—it’s been relocated. Parties are way less cool when your nark-y principal calls the cops before it even happens. I was trying to give Amy directions last night on the phone, but the cord would only go like twenty feet down the hall. I could tell my parents were totally listening to my conversation. I wish I had a phone in my bedroom, so I could get a little privacy. Or, at the very least, a cordless phone, so I’m not tethered to the kitchen wall like some sort of criminal making a collect call. It’s like we live in the stone-age. My parents are so lame.

Anyway, I will probably wear my new Silver jeans with one of Stephenie’s shirts. It doesn’t matter which one, all of her clothes are way better than mine. Her mom lets her shop at The Buckle, like a normal person. Meanwhile, my mom is bringing home some hideous Doc Marten knock-offs. Thanks, mom, these Spock Dartens really set-off my flat chest—the boys will be super impressed. I’m totally keeping Steph’s shirt for as long as I can after I wear it—maybe forever. I’ll probably try out my new water bra, too! It cost me two pay checks at Victoria’s Secret—totally worth it. I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry, it looks super natural. I doubt anyone will even notice when I go from an A-negative to a C cup overnight. Victoria really knows her stuff—the girl is a genius. 

Amy said Jeremy is going to the party this weekend. He’s hot, and funny, but we hate him now, because he cheated on Stephenie, like twenty-eight times. You know what they say, “I don’t want no scrubs.” I totally love that song! I hope it’s still number one on TRL today. Damn, now it’s stuck in my head…”Noooooooo, scrruuuuuubbbs… no, no.” I didn’t think I could love another TLC song as much as I loved Waterfalls, but then they wrote No Scrubs, and here we are.

Ugh, my dad just told me Stephenie called like 2 hours ago, and he forgot to tell me.

I just need to get a pager so I know when people are trying to get a hold of me. Everyone I know has a pager. OK, not everyone, but like, at least three people I know have pagers. Either way, I want one. I asked my mom if I could get one, but I’m not sure if she’ll let me. She was laughing pretty hard when she walked out of the room. So, we’ll see. I may have to ask my dad. 

Anyway, I gotta get going, Amy and I are seeing Titanic, again. I know this is like the 23rd time I’ve seen it, but I still can’t believe how Rose’s fiancé just dips like that. He’s definitely a scrub. She was smart to stick with Leo, he’s such a hottie. I would totally share a door with him. 

OK, GTG, L8TR!

LYLAS, TTYL, BFF

 

Jorrie Varney

Jorrie is a registered nurse and mother of two. She writes about the reality and insanity of motherhood on her blog http://www.closetoclassy.com/. Jorrie loves to laugh and snuggle her babies as often as she can. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Welcome to Periods in Your 30s and 40s

In: Health, Humor
Welcome to Periods in Your 30s and 40s www.herviewfromhome.com

Do you remember that day in the fifth grade when the boys and girls were separated for the “Sexuality and Development” talk? Some nice old lady health teacher came into your room and gave you some straight talk about how the next few years were going to go for you. It was awkward and shocking and you knew your childhood would never be the same. When you hit your mid-thirties, there should be some kind of Part Two to that conversation. All the ladies need to be rounded up, lead into a dimly lit classroom that smells vaguely of pencil...

Keep Reading

How to Stay Married For (at Least) 10 Years

In: Humor, Relationships
How to Stay Married For (at Least) 10 years www.herviewfromhome.com

In July, my husband and I celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary. We got married back in 2008 following my college graduation. I was only 22 at the time and him? Well, he was all good-looking at the prime age of 30. There were may vocal skeptics who chimed in, unasked of course, to share with us their belief that we would “never last” and that it would “never work”. To them, I say, “You were wrong! Na-na, na-na, boo-boo!” Just kidding, of course; I don’t talk like that. I am a respectable mother, not a four-year-old child and thank goodness...

Keep Reading

How to Put Your Children to Bed in 46 Easy Steps

In: Humor, Kids
How to Put Your Children to Bed in 46 Easy Steps www.herviewfromhome.com

It was time. It had to happen. We’d had a good run at pouring our children into bed at 11:30 p.m., sweaty, sticky, and exhausted from their head to their toes.  But bedtime had to get back to its (somewhat) regularly scheduled program.  When we had one kid, bedtime was a breeze.  Each night, we had a 10 step process. And the steps were simple. And very, very routine. 1. Toys away at 7:10 p.m. 2. Up the stairs at 7:15 p.m. 3. Change into pajamas 4. Brush teeth 5. Read two books 6. Say prayers 7. Light off 8....

Keep Reading

Welcome to the Dreaded Man Cold Season

In: Health, Humor
Welcome to the Dreaded Man Cold Season www.herviewfromhome.com

Your husband has a mere headache, but he automatically now believes that he is going to be a chronic sufferer of cluster migraines. Or, maybe he got a small splinter, but he now believes that he is, without probability, going to end up with a staph infection. And, well, that cough of his (cough, cough) is going to have him laid up in bed for the next two days because he is just feeling so terrible. Sound familiar? It is all too familiar to me. What am I talking about? How men are babies when they get sick. Yes, I said it. I...

Keep Reading

Wanted: Imperfect Friends

In: Humor, Relationships
Wanted: Imperfect Friends www.herviewfromhome.com

Is anyone else as sick of the facade as I am?  Because on social media, everyone seems to have their crap together. But I sure don’t.  Scrolling through my feeds leaves me feeling inadequate and lonely, desperately lonely.  I know social media is only the high points. I know there is always more going on behind the scenes that I don’t know about. But at the end of the day, I just feel like there’s no one who would want to be friends with little, imperfect, insignificant, me.  So, I’m placing an ad.  Wanted: Imperfect Friends A kind, but quirky,...

Keep Reading

51 Reasons a Mom Might Be Late

In: Humor, Motherhood
51 Reasons a Mom Might Be Late www.herviewfromhome.com

I’ve got a question for all you moms out there: Have you ever been late? Yeah, me neither. Just kidding! We’ve all been there. We have an appointment, a meeting, an event, or just a playdate, and we want to be on time. In fact, it often looks and feels like we’re going to be on time. We’ve planned ahead. We have everything in order, and we are ready to head out the door. But then, without fail, the inevitable happens. Actually, it seems that a good number of inevitables happen. And we’re running late, again. Being on time is...

Keep Reading

5 Ways Boy Moms Always Ruin Our Fun

In: Humor, Kids
5 Ways Boy Moms Always Ruin Our Fun www.herviewfromhome.com

We know Mom loves us, don’t worry about that . . . but sometimes it seems like she’s just making up a whole pile of rules to ruin our fun. For instance, we’ll be in the middle of a huge independent project and she’ll come along, usually shriek, and be like, “You can’t use water guns to fill up the bathtub! And why are you shooting water into the toilet? Ewwwwww.” And just like that, we have to pack it all up and return to a clean orderly activity. A controlled activity. A zero fun activity. We’re not even sure...

Keep Reading

Should Grandparents Get Paid to Babysit?

In: Humor, Journal
Should Grandparents Get Paid to Babysit? www.herviewfromhome.com

While swaying in side-by-side hammocks, my daughter paid me the ultimate compliment: “It gives me enormous peace of mind while I’m working, to know you’re watching my son and that he’s in the most capable hands.” Then 10 seconds later while I was still orbiting in happy mode, she insulted me by offering to PAY me for this glorious privilege. We engaged in a little tit for tat tug of war with no clear winner. And the debate rages on, at least in our household. How about yours? To pay or not to pay the loving grandparents who bless us...

Keep Reading

Kids Today Will Never Know the Joy of a 90s Summer

In: Humor

So you want a good old fashioned 90s summer, huh? I don’t blame you. The 90s rocked! (Literally, thanks to Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder.) I’m not going to lie—I take slight offense to the use of “old fashioned” and “90s” in the same sentence, as I’m pretty sure the 90s were like 10 years ago, but I’ll still help you out. If you’re really doing this though, you’ll need to ditch some of your modern conveniences, like your phone. I know, I know, but it’s a requirement. You may bring a beeper or clunky flip-phone, but no internet allowed...

Keep Reading

Dear Kids, This Is Not An Uber

In: Humor, Kids
Dear Kids, This Is Not An Uber www.herviewfromhome.com

Paid automotive transportation is pretty simple. You hop in the backseat of a cab, share the address where you are going and aren’t required to speak any longer until you arrive at your destination and pay the driver. The same primary rules apply to taking an Uber or Lyft.  The unwritten rules have been in place for some time. Your trade-off for taking paid transportation is a ride in the backseat, where you don’t have control over the music, the temperature of the car, the route the driver takes or how fast the trip takes, not even the amount of...

Keep Reading