Our Keepsake Journal is Here! 🎉

Grief is hard. I think about you all the time. At random times throughout the day. When something good happens and I wish I could call to tell you all about it. When we are going through something difficult, and I just want to hear your voice. When I come across old photographs, things you gave me, or other memories.

Sometimes I forget you aren’t here anymore. I’ll pick up the phone to call and then it hits me that you won’t be the one to answer. It’s been almost a year now since you passed. I can’t even believe it’s been that long. August marks one year since you first got sick and were admitted to the hospital. I remember it vividly.

We knew your time was coming. You were slowly losing strength and stamina.

The cancer and the stroke had taken so much from you over the past few years. So when pneumonia hit, your body just couldn’t take any more. And you were finally placed on hospice care and sent home.

RELATED: Some of the Best Grandmas Live in Heaven

Your strength amazed me. You never gave up. You kept fighting all the way up until the end. You faced death with strength and courage and faith in knowing you were going home to be with Jesus.

I find peace in knowing your last days were spent at home, surrounded by everyone who loved you. That nearly the whole family was able to make the trip from our various locations to come and say goodbye. And that you are now in Heaven, reunited with grandpa after so many years and finally not in any pain or suffering.

This was my first experience with the death of someone close to me. I had lost family members before but never anyone I knew well or had a relationship with.

So losing you, Grandma, was one of the hardest and saddest experiences of my life.

I am so glad you were around long enough to meet all three of my children. To watch me get married and graduate from college and buy our first home. That you were willing to make the five-hour trip in the car to my house that year before you passed because you wanted to come and see where I was living now. Even though I told you that you didn’t need to come if you weren’t feeling up for it.

I am thankful for the time we had. But I wish we had more.

There is this guilt inside me for not being there in the last few years. Life took me in another direction and hours away from you. Making it to see you was never easybetween work and kids and money. I tried to call as often as I could, but I know I didn’t call as much as I should have.

RELATED: For As Long As We Love, We Grieve

I know I wasn’t there for your fight with cancer or your recovery from the stroke. And I wish more than anything that I could have been. Sometimes this wave of guilt just comes over me as I’m remembering how much I miss you. But I remind myself that you knew how much I loved you and you understood how crazy life had gotten with special needs children and all of the hardships we were going through. I know you wouldn’t want me to feel bad for things I cannot control.

No matter how much time passes, I will always miss you.

But I’m learning every day how to keep going without you here. Because for so many years I prayed for you and was calling to check on you and every day I got updates from family about how you were doing. It’s an empty and numb feeling now with that being gone from my life. Even a year later.

So I’m holding onto the hope I have in Christ and knowing that this goodbye is not forever. I will see you again, Grandma. And until that day, your memory will live on with all of us here who love and miss you. 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Moriah Couch

I am happily married to a hard-working and loving husband. I'm passionate about mental health as I have struggled my whole life with depression and anxiety, and more recently was diagnosed with autism, ADHD, excoriation (skin picking) disorder, and PTSD. I am a SAHM and homeschool my three beautiful children. All three of my children are diagnosed with autism, and two of them also have ADHD. I'm a follower of Jesus on a journey of maintaining my own mental health through it all and sharing my experiences in the hopes of spreading awareness and encouraging others along the way. You can follow me on Facebook or Instagram @lifewiththecouches

The Sacred Work of Tearing and Mending

In: Grief, Loss
Older couple standing on beach together, color photo

Maybe if we still tore our clothes today, people would understand the grief we’re experiencing, I think to myself as I end another Zoom meeting with one of my children’s teachers. Maybe then they would understand we are still sad, we are still grappling in the dark for normal, we are still grieving. I’m sure we aren’t the only ones who have felt this. We aren’t the only ones finding ourselves in the foreign places of life with this pandemic and strange routines. When loss and grief visit we find ourselves uprooted, unbalanced, and shaken. Grandpa went into the hospital...

Keep Reading

I Cherish These Handwritten Letters Filled With Love

In: Grief, Loss
Handwritten notes

I am sentimental. When it comes to heirlooms, I’d rather have the rusty soup pot my grandma made a thousand meals in over expensive collectibles. I prefer items that have stories behind them. I want to hold on to memories, not things. To me, it’s the personal, unique items that become keepsakes.  I lost my mom when I was a mere 31 years old. She was only 56. I have some of her jewelry and articles of clothing. I have many pictures in albums and a few videos on VHS tapes. But the items I treasure most are her Bible...

Keep Reading

Dear Grandma in Heaven, I Hope I’m Just Like You

In: Grief, Motherhood
Grandmother holding infant, color photo

Grandma in heaven, I know you’re proud. You passed away unexpectedly, so I didn’t get to say goodbye. You left me while I was young and newly married, way before my two daughters entered this world. You never got to see me be a mom. You left me while I was solely focused on my career.  Grandma in heaven, I know you’re proud.  I make everyone who visits our house take off their shoes. Just like you did. I always have some cookies in the house. Just like you did.  I have two kids. I stayed at home with my...

Keep Reading